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An agency representing celebrity doppelgangers is speaking out about the ‘appalling’ treatment of its staff. In particular, their Prince Harry and Meghan Markle lookalikes have been subject to cruel and unusual behaviour approaching torture.
A spokesman explained that the formerly-royal lookie-likies used to enjoy opening village fetes, or supermarkets, or appearing at corporate events. Sadly, as public disaffection with Harry and Meghan has grown, this has affected the kind of work on offer.
Nowadays, the Harry and Meghan lookalikes are being hired for work which often involves humiliation rather than adulation. One lookalike said that he’d been hired for a corporate ‘primal screaming’ session. He had to sit on stage reading from ‘Spare’ while employees took turns to scream very loudly at him. This had affected his self-esteem, and his hearing.
On another assignment, a Meghan lookalike was hired to be put in the stocks, so that wedding guests could pelt her with rotten tomatoes. And last month she was hired to sit for three hours in a bathtub full of baked beans while junior solicitors did embarrassing disco dancing around her and got very drunk. ‘I wouldn’t mind so much,' she said, 'if I could claim the cost of cleaning my dresses. Stains from tomatoes and baked bean juice are very hard to get out. Also, people are very reluctant to give me any tips and don’t want to take any selfies with me, let alone to pay for them.’
The agency said that, in response, they were setting new boundaries. A recent request for ten Meghan's was turned down as it wouldn’t have been safe to use them as human bowling pins. The agency is helping the affected staff members to take costumed work instead, as characters like Shrek, Voldemort and Mr Blobby received more appreciation and better treatment from customers.
A BBC spokesman has admitted that some news items may have become 'lost'. 'We had them, on a piece of paper on a desk somewhere, but we just can't find them,' he said.
The spokesman said that he recalled something about a conservative peer allegedly siphoning off a shed load of money for procuring inadequate PPE, something else about a VIP lane company run by a conservative donor being paid to procure a shed load of inadequate PPE and then being paid to incinerate it. He also had a recollection that a senior conservative MP who had held and continues to hold senior positions in the government who had denied owing HMRC lots of money last summer and then, after a successful investigation by HMRC, deciding to pay an eye watering amount of unpaid taxes that historically have been accompanied with a jail sentence.
'We do have a lot of news about the weather, so we've filled the front page with news about snow in case nobody noticed; and there's still lots of news about Harry and Meghan. And the unions blackmailing the country. Buggered if I know where the other news went, though,' he said, uploading another photo of a town covered in a dusting of snow.
Image: philriley427 | Pixabay
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