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A dad who thought it could be a good idea to pay a family visit to their local soft-play centre over the half-term period has admitted now he was totally deluded.
‘It was a moment of madness’, admitted Mike McBride, father of two. ‘The kids showed me the flyer for ‘Halloween Madness’ - 90 minutes of haunting entertainment on indoor slides, a spooktastic disco and some ghoulish snacks - and for a nano-second, I was seduced.’
‘I thought everyone might be away on holiday for half-term and me and the wife could enjoy a nice barista coffee, poached eggs on artisan sourdough bread, and catch up on reading the papers in peace and quiet while the kids played’.
‘As it turned out there were 500 screaming kids high on Haribo in an area a little bigger than our living room. Within 10 minutes I’d squashed my hand on a turd in the ballpool and by the end of the session the toilets looked like a post-apocolyptic Chernobyl. I need a couple of weeks in a sensory deprivation unit’.
‘Luckily I’ve got a quiet rest of the half-term now with the wife and kids to look forward to', said McBride. 'We’re going to Ikea for chilled look round for a few bits and bobs one day and then go for a relaxing sit-in meal at McDonalds one lunchtime’
Updated: Jan 12, 2022
With the spectre of Halloween looming, rumours are swirling that several leading Conservatives have appointments with a Mr Mephistopheles, a representative of Tory donors B L Zeebub Inc. The deals those Tories are said to have struck to secure their earthly successes will expire at midnight and their souls will be deemed oven-ready, i.e. taken to the fiery pits of hell for eternal burning. Those affected Tories have appeared more visibly nervous and twitchy than when avoiding a question about Brexit and empty shelves.
‘Who said empty souls?’ panicked a Tory grandee, flinging holy water in all directions.
A spokesdemon said: ‘Just imagine how horrific Matt Hancock’s career would have been without our evil assistance. Obviously the general population have had a terrible time as a result, but the Dark Lord considers that a collateral benefit.’
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst commented, ‘Cabinet was a little feisty, I’ve never seen so many hastily drawn pentagrams, although the volume of unholy shrieking was pretty standard. Priti Patel said that since Mephistopheles “sounds a bit Greek maybe?” he could be deported.
Boris intends to hide, disguising himself as a vagrant, drinking heavily and muttering in Latin at street pigeons. Liz Truss thought it was Mr Mistoffelees from Cats, then claimed she’d signed a trade deal with Hades. Rishi will probably flee to whichever Cayman Island he owns. Sajid Javid admitted he’d misjudged the mood by arriving dressed as a sexy nurse. Boris seemed into it though.’
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