FA to introduce post-match detentions for silly haircuts

The Football Association is looking into additional measures to clean up the game's image following the announcement that the Premier League could introduce 10-minute sin-bins for bad fouls, dissent and questioning the referee's parentage. Based on the punishments that they suffered at the hands of their sadistic PE teachers while they were schoolchildren, the FA's board are considering whether having an unacceptable hairstyle in the opinion of the match officials should be punishable by having to stay behind and write an essay about the inside of a ping-pong ball.

Punishing professional footballers by increasingly treating them as schoolchildren is the latest innovation by the idiots in the International Football Association Board (IFAB) who inflicted Video Assistant Referees on the game which has led to the fans' chanting, among other things, "VAR - What is it good for?". In order to justify their own existence, IFAB are also keen to extend the use of VAR to re-referee not only throw-ins, corners and free-kicks but also players' music tastes, dress sense and dance moves.

The FA are not expected to humiliate players by making them wear sports kit from the lost property box however. This is because Everton goalkeeper Jordan Pickford has already taken the orange boots that clash with the green shirt that's too big, the shorts that are too tight, and the socks that are too short.

image from pixabay

A mad Hairdo's the way forward to win elections!

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Internet To Be Shut Down For Removal of Giant Pubic Hairball

It has been announced that the entire World Wide Web will be closed to all cyber traffic on Wednesday of next week while engineers work to remove a giant ball of pubic hair that has formed in one of the pipes, believed to be under Bermondsey in South London, caused by the sheer volume of pictures of genitalia being shared by people on dating sites and elsewhere.

Workman will insert a giant drain snake, similar to the device used to unclog a domestic bath or sink pipe, at around 6.00 am, hoping to be finished before people log on after work.

The snake, or auger, to give it its technical name, will then be turned manually by up to five hundred burly men, stripped to the waste, until the offending ball of pubes is broken down before being extracted in long sodden strands which will then be recycled and used for wigs, sweaters, and, in the case of some of the finer strands, bleached and woven into gowns for cash-strapped brides-to-be.

An internet spokesman told newsmen: 'We became aware of increasing delays in data flow during the last few months so sent a remote camera down an internet manhole close to where the problem was most severe.

'We subsequently discovered a large ball of matted pubes in the pipework at Bermondsey, almost certainly caused by people sending each other pics of their dicks and growlers via Tinder and suchlike.

'Hopefully, we'll get this one sorted fairly quickly, although we may be delayed and forced to use flamethrowers if the pubes are matted and bound together with any gobs of spadge or fanny batter.'

image from pixabay

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