Dressing Trump as a schoolboy would give shooters a chance

Stung by criticisms of the inaccuracy of American marksmanship, the Secret Service has unveiled plans to dress Donald Trump as a schoolboy and leave him in a high school for a few days.

‘He wasn’t keen until we told him that there were girls at the school, and then he was all over the idea’, a spokesman said. ‘Shooters just seem more numerous inside schools and generally more accurate. We figure if we leak the name of the school, then we might all get lucky. Christ, we’ve been letting him walk slowly on golf courses surrounded by woodland – even that didn’t work.’

Picture credit: Wix AI

Six assassins die in crossfire while trying to kill Trump

'We've had a hell of a time trying to piece this together,' Special Agent Dirk Dimly told reporters, mopping his brow with the end of his nylon tie. 'I mean, how the hell do you end up with six dead assassins littered around a golf course and a totally unscathed presidential candidate?

'We figure that Assassin A - a member of the Millennial Snowflakes Terror Army - took a shot at Candidate Trump from the grassy knoll on the fifth fairway, directly south-west of him, while the candidate was busy kicking his ball out of the rough.

'Assassin A narrowly missed Mr Trump but shot dead Assassin B, from Pacifist Students Islamic Jihad, who had been perched directly north-east of Mr Trump on another grassy knoll at the dogleg on the seventeenth.

'At precisely the same moment that Assassin A fired, Assassin B happened to loose off a burst of bullets from an Armalite.

'All these missed Trump but struck Assassin A, as well as Assassins C and D. They were members of the New Dworkin Shining Path Liberals Liberation Front and had been waiting in line behind Assassin A for their turn to fire.

'Assassin E, from the Militant Church of Latter Day Morons, had set up a mortar on yet another grassy knoll - to the south-east corner of the twelfth green - and took aim at Candidate Trump as he tossed his opponent's ball into a bunker.

'Wondering why the shell he had dropped down the barrel hadn't shot off, Assassin E peered inside. This resulted in his head and shoulders flying on a north-westerly axis over the candidate's head to a spot near the ninth tee, where Mr Trump's bodyguards were on a coffee break.

'Assassin F may have been an ordinary golfer and not an assassin at all, but the Secret Service shot him anyway when they saw him on a grassy knoll just above the eighteenth green. They suspected him of trying to plant a miniature white bomb in the hole by chipping it in there.

'We're now advising Candidate Trump to play on a golf course with fewer grassy knolls," said Special Agent Dimly. 'They're always riddled with goddamned assassins.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

‘The Stars Have Aligned’: Decoding Oasis’s cryptic messages

Announcing their long-anticipated reunion today, Oasis put out a typically complex, cryptic statement to their fans.

What on earth could this series of sentences mean? We enlisted the expertise of Mike McBride, long-time Oasis fan and Professor of Cryptography and Socio-Linguistics at the University of Lunn (Formerly Lunn Poly) to help us decode the messages:

‘The Guns have Fallen Silent’: ‘A multi-layered opening sentence, very subtle, and quite obviously the work of Noel, with many possible interpretations’, noted Professor McBride, sagely.

‘It quite justifiably compares the thawing of relations between two petulant siblings with Armistice Day, 1918. Indeed, if anything, the end of warring between Noel and ‘r kid’ is even bigger, because Liam called his elder brother a total bellend in 2012 and it’s really hard to forgive that.

‘But could the guns also be a reference to Oasis’s distinctive guitar sound?’, continued McBride. ‘Will Noel’s famous Cherry-Red Gibson be ‘falling silent’ for an a Capella version of ‘Half a World Away’ on next year’s tour? Let’s hope so. Its gonna be mint’

‘The Stars Have Aligned’: What a clever sentence, also clearly penned by the lyrical genius of the outfit, Noel’, gushed McBride. ‘Of course, it clearly points to the forthcoming conjunction of Mars, Venus, Neptune and Mercury, with the inclusion of the latter planet being also a quite obvious cipher and tongue-in-cheek portent for a well deserved 2025 Mercury Prize nomination. Maybe? Definitely, I’d say’

‘The Great Wait is Over’: ‘The only contribution by Liam to the statement, and it is - predictably - a rather sad, simplistic, one dimensional line, of the quality you would expect from the less-talented younger brother’, said McBride dismissively. ‘Whilst some have suggested he may be drawing comparisons with the Great Recession, or the lost Greatness of Great Britain, it’s actually a direct reference to Tony the Tiger’s ‘They’re Grrrreeeaatt’ cry on the 1980s Frosties advert, which is Liam’s favourite breakfast cereal. Such a derivative line.’

‘Come See’: ‘Another absolutely belting sentence from Noel, what a legend he is’, noted Professor McBride. ‘Only Noel could simultaneously doff his cap to the Klimov-directed 1985 Russian anti-war film, as well as the classic children’s educational programme ‘Come Outside’, starring Lynda Baron as Auntie Mabel flying her own plane with her loyal dog Pippin. And the almost playful similarity to ‘Comme Si, Comme Sa’, as if he couldn’t give a damn. What a wordsmith he is. Apologies, I appear to have my own Morning Glory.’

‘This Will Not be Televised’: ‘Clever. Very very clever from Noel. So subtle. Just give me a minute on this one’, reflected McBride. ‘I think it means….none of the sodding shows will be televised. What, none of them? Right, I need to get my kecks on, have me sen some scran and load up the Ticketmaster app. I’m fookin madferit!’.

Photo by Yvette de Wit on Unsplash