Adrian Chiles column about tight jar lid leaked

In a profound embarrassment for the Guardian newspaper, a forthcoming column by Adrian Chiles about having trouble getting a tight lid off a jar has been leaked in advance. “I felt like a cheese and pickle sandwich, as you do,” runs the leaked column. “And at first I couldn’t find the pickle anywhere. I thought to myself, surely we haven’t run out? I thought we had loads left!

“But then I finally found it - the missus had put it in the fridge, even though I’ve told her a million times there’s no need. Tsk, women eh? But then, just as I thought my problems were over, I couldn’t get the lid off! Honestly, it never rains but it pours, eh? I tried gripping it using a tea towel, but even that didn’t help. And the funny thing is, I saw one of those gadgets for getting the lids off jars in Sainsbury’s the other day, and I didn’t buy it. I wish I had now!”

Chiles’ regular columns for the Guardian have often been described as odd bedfellows for that newspaper’s usual fare of furious invective and withering sarcasm on political subjects, but the paper’s editor defended them as “a gentle look at the lighter side of life, the kind of thing we all need to read sometimes after a difficult day, and definitely not just published because he’s my husband.”

The Scott Trust, owners of the newspaper, said it was highly embarrassing his article had been leaked in advance, though frankly no more so than the ones published at the right time.

https://pixabay.com/photos/vessel-to-open-hand-lid-wooden-lid-3960577/

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The Grauniad Christmas Appeal

This Christmas, we are appealing for money for a very important and most deserving cause.  It is a cause that we know is close to our readers hearts.

All around the world democracy is under threat from dictators, despots and desperadoes who spread their lies, half-lies and half-truths using dodgy social media sites, spam email and partisan, corrupt and biased media. There are broadcasters and newspapers controlled by shadowy conspiracy theorists, right wing think tanks, oligarchs, monopolists, fascists, misogynists, capitalists and nihilists.  But there is some good news.  This Christmas, YOU can help to stop the madness.

This Christmas, YOU can help to secure an impartial, independent and free press.  Please send your cheques, large or small, to The Guardian Christmas Appeal For The Guardian.

If you are considering leaving us a gift in your will, then please don't, unless you're already quite ill.  We can't wait for you to croak to get the money.

A gift of three pounds can buy a weekday copy of The Guardian to help wean someone off GB News.  Five pounds can pay to recycle a 'Save The Observer' placard.  Ten pounds can provide a journalist with software to check spellings.   Fifty pounds can subsidise a place at a Guardian lunch for a retired university vice chancellor.  And five million pounds could help to pay off the loans we took out for the printing press we bought to print The Guardian in that weird European Berliner size.

Your generosity can help teachers, civil servants, professors, local government workers, academics, social workers and lecturers everywhere, by providing a warm, fuzzy, left wing echo chamber for these marginalised groups.

Please help. A free press isn't free, so please give genetically. Thank you.

The Guardian

*The Guardian is registered as a charity and is regulated by the Charity Commission. The Guardian complies with the Fundraising Regulator’s code of practice on begging.

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Guardian staff to receive counselling for bad weather

Following the Guardian’s decision to offer counselling to staff upset by Donald Trump’s victory in the US election, it has been decided to expand the programme to cover other things which may trouble north London’s most delicate flowers.

First to apply was the paper’s environment correspondent, Esperance Tzatziki, who complained that the lovely walk on the Heath she had planned for the weekend had been spoiled by the weather. Senior staff were initially unsure if this really merited counselling, until she pointed out that it was probably due to climate change, at which point they heartily agreed it must have been very upsetting for her. She then requested further counselling on the grounds that their initial scepticism had compounded the original trauma.

Next up was star columnist Pippi Longstocking, who said her journey to the office had been marred by the presence on the train of some ghastly football supporters. When it was pointed out the paper does cover football, she said, 'Yes, but only with snide articles about the game being ruined by money, nothing any actual football fan would want to read.' Her claim was also accepted.

Third came the paper’s racial justice correspondent Batti al Wakko, who said that merely being around all these white people in the office was very oppressive for her. The paper accepted her claim, and then apologised for not doing so earlier, before she had even made it.

'Look, I’m obviously not going to complain,' said Islington-based therapist Rachel Greenblatt. 'I’ve never been so busy. I’ve had to take on a full-time receptionist, just to make sure the waiting room always has a wide selection of Fairtrade coffees and the right brand of mineral water.

'Of course, it does mean my work with survivors of rape and sexual assault has had to take a back seat. But they never paid as well as the Guardian anyway.'

Photo by stockcake: rainy-day-commute_480925_330947