top of page
Search

Government to sell off Grenfell Tower, piece by piece



The Government has confirmed its decision to demolish Grenfell Tower.


The demolition process will take around two years and the tower block will be dismantled brick by brick.


The Government has confirmed that souvenir pieces of the tower block will be available for sale.  It is hoped that they will prove to be as popular as pieces of the Berlin Wall.  The aim is to raise enough money to cover the cost of the Grenfell enquiry.


Each former resident will be given a small piece of their former home, as a memento.  These will be encased in a special presentation pack, including a signed letter of apology from the chair of the planning committee at Kensington and Chelsea council, and a certificate authenticating the fragment of rubble.


Each recipient must agree to pass any sale proceeds back to the government if they sell their memento.


Pieces of the only stairway, which was the only way out during the fire, are expected to be priced at £50.  Pieces of charred cladding will cost £500, reflecting the fact that hardly any of it remains.  The banner saying Grenfell – forever in our hearts’ will be auctioned off separately.


A government spokesman defended the plan, saying that ‘every cloud has a silver lining’ and ‘the sale of mementos will help to deliver the governments plan for growth.’  He concluded by saying, ‘I hope this brings closure for the former residents of Grenfell Tower.’



Government to hold enquiry into enquiries



'Grenfell Enquiry - two years, millions of pounds, nothing done,' explained a government spokesman today.  'Abuse victims enquiry, more millions, more years, nothing done,' he added before reeling through the liturgy of public enquiries carried out since World War 2 ended, all with the same depressing result - nothing done, nothing changed.



'We're going to hold an enquiry into why enquiries don't make a difference,' he said, naming a High Court Judge, specifying a ludicrous amount of money and a report date in 2067.



The Conservatives have pooh-poohed the enquiry as a total waste of money and have pledged to hold an enquiry into why the government held this enquiry when they get back in power, coincidentally when the enquiry enquiry reports.


Property boss who wouldn't spring extra £200k for safe cladding blew twice that in hand of Poker



A filthy rich property magnate who owns a high rise development is stubbornly refusing to sign off on slightly more expensive cladding which would keep hundreds of tenants safe from peril.


'I'm not backing down,' said Jeremy Gout, a multimillionaire and member of the exclusive All In Club in Kensington. 'I am not legally required to waste my hard earned money on building materials which are proven safe, so why would I? I retain the services of the best lawyers in the City to stall that sh*t until never.


'But, hey, you should have seen me at the table last night. There was a million in the pot and I went all in on a deuce and a seven. Nearly bluffed my way into the biggest win of the night, if those f*ckers hadn't all called me.


'And the night before I was at the Kitten Private Members Club. Those girls are high end incredible, but their daddies haven't secured them offshore trust funds. So it falls to me to drop them £10k a lap dance, and 20 times that each for private encounters which would make a sex doll blush.


'So, no, I don't sleep at night. But that's the price of having so much fun exploiting the poor.'




bottom of page