Transport for London turn down heating on buses to reduce crowding

The government has welcomed an initiative to keep "wrinklies" off the buses by turning off the heating and leaving the doors open.

'This is the kind of initiative that the country needs, enthused Minister of Transport, Grant Shapps, 'If poor people have to travel, why not make some room on the bus? Although Transport for London introduced the policy, I can reveal that the idea came from the Prime-Minister himself.'

There are also plans not stop at bus stops if the people queuing "look like scroungers".

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/jplenio-7645255/

Despite new rules Audi drivers promise to carry on ignoring the Highway Code

Chairman of the Audi Drivers Association, Mick Souter, has said that Audi drivers are fully aware of the new changes to the Highway Code.

'It's essential to bear in mind that there is nothing in the new rules, or indeed in the Highway Code itself, which applies to Audi drivers.'

'The people of the UK regard us as true heroes of the road. Indicating at junctions, giving way and the ability to identify a cyclist is all completely alien to us. Our members are going to continue driving everywhere at ninety miles an hour, parking at thirty-degree angles in supermarket car parks and knocking small children down like nine pins.'

Transport secretary Grant Shapps confirmed that none of the new rules or any rules for that matter applied to Audi drivers. He dismissed concerns that inconvenient tree-hugging cyclists were in any way at risk.

'The feedback I've received from cyclist groups is that they enjoy the frisson of excitement when an Audi wanker screams by within half an inch of their pedals. If we make Audi drivers comply with the new rules, Britain's roads would be very dull places indeed, and none of us would want to see that.'

Image: PIxabay/dgozgozz

Reduction in train announcements causes huge spike in lost official secrets

The most important Conservative party policy since the end of the Second World War has had a devastating impact on British Intelligence services. Following a declaration from Transport Secretary Grant Shapps that there would be a reduction in train announcements, it was universally acknowledged that all of the woes the UK had been experiencing in recent years would be swept aside with one masterstroke of political genius.

There was, however, an unforeseen consequence to the much lauded policy in that the train announcements were essential to maintaining national security. Following the removal of looped recordings warning, 'Could all MI5 agents please make sure they have not left any secret documents behind,' increases in state-critical blunders have taken place.

Sources murmuring in dark corners of underground car parks are suggesting that everything MI5 has ever learned has now been lost. The general public have been asked to pretend they haven't noticed the mountains of files with 'Top Secret' printed on them piling up on train tables, platform benches, and at bus shelters throughout the nation.

Train Seat Ride - Free photo on Pixabay