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Shapps plans to build wind turbines in space




In an astonishing reveal, Business Secretary Grant Shapps has declared that the UK will build, assemble and, if necessary, operate wind turbines in space.


'Everyone knows it isn't feasible to construct wind turbines on land,' a spokesman for Mr Shapps said today, 'which is why they have been assembled on floating factories in the North Sea for the last decade.' He went on to say the floating factories had caused the designs to swell and they were now too big even for floating construction sites, hence the plan to build and operate them in space.


'Mr Shapps is looking for investors in this fantastic opportunity. Just £500 buys you a chance to sell this opportunity to maybe 500 other investors,' said a Mr Michael Green who claimed he had just bought in to the scheme and deemed it 'wonderful'.


Not for the government to ‘do its job’, says Shapps



After being asked to step in and actually help the British public by intervening in the rail strikes negotiations, transport secretary Grant Shapps has said that it is not for the government to actually do its job.


“The unions may be calling for talks with us, but they fail to realise that the government is not willing to, or capable of, doing its job,” Shapps said.


He added that the unions may be trying to cause total travel chaos for a week, but this was nothing to the years that the government has been causing total chaos on a range of areas.


“Many of the public probably think that most ministers have been striking because of the lack of work we have been doing,” he told reporters. “But, in fact we have been working – just not very hard and completely incompetently.”



Rainbow reboot to feature senior Tories



ITV have announced that following the wave of nostalgia that the nation has been riding during the jubilee celebrations that they are to bring back the much loved Rainbow.


“The reboot of Rainbow will merge children’s programming of yesteryear with todays scripted reality programmes such as TOWIE and Made in Chelsea” said a senior figure within ITV.


Senior Tory grandees and ministers have been considered to be used in the programme. Meet some of the contenders.


Geoffrey - the educator of Bungle - Jacob Rees-Mogg

Zippy - a tangerine oval-headed puppet with a zip for a mouth - Boris Johnson

George - a shy pink hippo - George Eustace

Bungle - An out of his depth, inquisitive simpleton - Grant Shapps

Rod - Rishi Sunak

Jane - Nadine Dorries / Michael Fabricant role share

Freddy - Grant Shapps

Aunty - Priti Patel / Liz Truss in a role share


Each episode will feature a song by pastel dungaree wearing Rod, Jane and Freddy explaining the intricacies of economics, foreign policy or domestic policy issues of a day, that simply explains the issues in way that even they can understand.


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