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A spokesman for the business secretary, Grant Schnapps, has said he did ‘nothing wrong’ by selling the UK to a dodgy scrap dealer he met in a pub. The Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards has confirmed the arrangement was registered and is above board and hunky dory. Mr Schnapps said he chose the scrap dealer because he offers value for money to the British taxpayer.
Mr Schnapps was introduced to the man in a pub by a man hoping to become the Chairman of the BBC, Richard Shark. The would-be Chairman insists he did ‘nothing wrong’ and the Broadcasting Standards Authority has confirmed the arrangement is above board and hunky dory. Mr Shark said he chose the scrap dealer because he offered value for money to the license fee payer.
The scrap dealer will begin dismantling the UK by next Friday at the latest. He has agreed to turn a blind eye to awkward paperwork and all that EU red tape. He insists he did ‘nothing wrong’ and the Scrap Dealer Standards Commissioner has confirmed the arrangement is registered, beyond reproach, and hunky dory. Mr Kray's yard offers value for money to the British taxpayer.
A government press officer declined to comment as he was too busy removing the editors of the Daily Mail and Express from his rectum.
Image: GeoFilm | Pixabay
Grant Shapps has a masterplan if Labour win the next election. And it might be needed, unless Keir Starmer finds a way to shoot himself in the foot and then the face, and then set his tie on fire, live at PMQs - a worryingly plausible scenario.
Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst explained 'Phase one sees Shapps use his photoshop skills to remove his pictorial links to other Tory politicians. Phase two sees him insert himself into Labour photos. Phase three is to photoshop himself into the Starmer cabinet so often, people just assume he's minister for shoelaces or something.'
'It's the political equivalent of John Terry being a full kit wanker in the 2012 Champions League final - whilst wearing a Bayern Munich kit on underneath just in case. It's hard to see what could very obviously go wrong.'
A Labour spokesperson noted ‘If Michael Green, Corinne Stockheath and Sebastian Fox all want jobs in the next Labour government, that’s fine. We’re not afraid of pinching Tory policies like pro-Brexit rhetoric and NHS privatisation, so we might as well snaffle a cabinet minister or two. Keir says it's fine as long as they’re not pro-Corbyn.’
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