Cuts to 252 Tory MPs was only austerity Britain needed

Ousting 252 Conservative MPs from their positions was the only economic cut Britain needed to make.

Productivity is up immediately due to layabout Rees-Moggs now being required to 'work' from home. And without Thick Lizzy tapping off from the collective whiskey jar for herself, there are suddenly pretty pennies for every Jenny.

'Funding four Grant Shapps was a major drain to the UK economy,' said Professor Lisa Day from the Institute of Economic Monogamy. 'It seems like such an obvious cut to make now. And parliamentary tractor porn costs are right down. The only sector where I'm still hesitant to be optimistic is the Matt Hancock pub landlord industry. I don't know how it's going to survive without VIP lane assistance from the taxpayer.'

'To boost growth, I would recommend a further reduction of Sunaks. And to properly fund the NHS? A good seeing to of sloppy, wet Hunts.'

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When it comes to spin, Grant Shapps is no Shane Warne

Extra defence spending will go on 3D printers

Grant Shapps has allayed fears that the extra defence spending announced by the Prime Minister might result in a return to conscription.

Following a series of visits to Shaanxi Province, China in which cabinet members marvelled first hand at the terracotta army built for Qin Shi Huang, the first Chinese Emperor to protect him in the afterlife, government ministers have been concerned for their welfare when their time in office ends and concluded that they too might benefit from having terracotta armies of their own in their afterlives.

Expert pottery consultants advised the government at a cost of £15bn that they had left it too late to fire the volume of clay that would be required; and in any event, since the education policies instigated when Michael Gove was Education Secretary have resulted in a generation of workers unable to discern shit from clay, there’s a high probability of inappropriate materials being used.

Instead, Tory doners from the 3D printing industry have promised the government it could acquire an army made from plastic within the time frame needed if it places an immediate order for 175 XP1500pro 3D printers.

Newsbiscuit’s defence correspondent explained “It’s always been foolish to imagine Conservative governments would regard defence spending as intended to protect anyone other than themselves.”

Image: Pixabay/kaboompics