New Lotto Scratchcard top prize is GP appointment

Patients have responded positively to news that they can finally secure a GP appointment, just as long as they can find a scratchcard showing three stethoscopes.

'It’s got to be better than trying to get through on the phone', said one.

Ministers deny that the Lotto prizes are a form of creeping privatisation. 'We’re simply replacing the postcode lottery with an actual lottery', a spokesman told us. 'This way, access to healthcare is fair and democratic, just as long as you can afford £5 per ticket'.

In other reforms, every A & E is to have a drive-in movie screen so that paramedics have something to do while waiting to discharge their patients.

GP’s receptionist struck off after patient death

Marjorie Black (43) from Warrington has been struck off as a medical receptionist following the death of one of her patients.

Mrs Black’s assessment of the man’s medical history was described by the GMRC as ‘cursory’ and despite making him strip to his underpants in a packed waiting room she failed to detect an obvious crackle in his lungs. In mitigation she pointed out that the wolf-whistles and jokey comments of other patients was a distraction, and her stethoscope had come from Amazon and might have been meant as a toy.

The GMRC absolved the surgery itself of any malpractice, finding that correct procedure had been followed. The patient had been assessed by a fully-trained receptionist and a full complement of qualified doctors was nearby.

Mrs Black described the hearing as ‘a nightmare’ but says she has no regrets about pursuing a career in medical reception. “What other minimum wage job gives you so much juicy gossip about your neighbours? I got to do about 80% of what a doctor does and they have to spend, like, 5 years at medical school then another 3 years on hospital rotations, whereas I just had to do a two-day course and I was good to go. Makes you wonder what they waste most of their time on”.

Woman Given Receptionist Front - Free photo on Pixabay