Govt. considers introducing 'Smokels'

'We have brothels because the public believes people having sex in public makes the place look untidy,' explained a government spokesman. 'And that is despite the fact that passive sex has not (as far as we are aware) ever been established to be a health hazard.'

'Smokels will be far more useful, and will enable those who are absolutely desperate for a ciggie to engage in their perverted activity in seclusion, with no risk of buggering up the lungs of the horses.'

'We also hope it will reduce the public nuisance of dodgy characters leaning against lamp-posts and discreetly muttering "'Ello, Dearie, fancy a ciggie?" to passers-by, before disappearing up a nearby alleyway with a punter seeking a quick drag on her fag.'

Photo by Reza Mehrad on Unsplash

Coffey commissions Dido Harding to "sex up" British produce. What can possibly go wrong?

Government awards ambulance tracker contract to FlightRadar24

In a bid to reassure patients that the ambulance they requested is actually on its way, the government has given a contract to FlightRadar24, who are adding ambulances to their app. Patients will now be able to track the progress of their ambulance in real time.

A spokesperson from FlightRadar24 told Newsbiscuit that it had initially seemed like a challenge, but after discussing the matter with their technical whizkids who told the sales team they were already tracking 10 hour non-stop flights successfully, they thought it should be possible to track a truck for at least that long, or even longer, maybe even several days.

The Health Secretary said, 'A lot of the problem was about perception. People worried that after they called 999 and nothing seemed to be happening, they were worried that nothing ever would. Now though, it's just like checking a flight left LA on time and you can follow its path all the way.'

We spoke with a victim of a cycling accident as he was being scraped up off the tarmac to ask whether he thought it was an improvement to the service and were told: 'It's amazing what can be done with technology these days. The Amazon van driver who knocked me over managed to extract my missing leg from the van bumper and was kind enough to put it somewhere safe before he had to rush off for his next delivery, because the customer was tracking that online as well. Thanks to the government, I now know for certain it will only be three days before the ambulance will be here.'

Mabel Thomas, a 90-year old pensioner from Maidstone told us however, 'I can't be arsed with all that app nonsense. I'll just carry on on giving the ambulance staff a decent tip when they take me to hospital and know they won't let me down when I need them.'