Tories' cunning plan

The Tories, who are absolutely definitely not in the slightest spooked by the thought of being totally exterminated in the forthcoming General Election, are planning to appoint Paula Vennells as an emergency substitute chief of the Electoral Commission, just to make sure that everything proceeds as they think it should, and to eliminate any possible risk of anyone trying to fiddle the results or come up with a result they don't want the wrong result.

There was slight confusion as Paula Vennells denied knowing anything about this. 

'She has no idea what the electoral commission is or what it does' said a spokesperson as Vennells settled down behind her new desk in the office of the head of the Electoral Commission and placed an order for a new computer system from Fujitsu. 

'She doesn’t remember coming here this morning or what she is supposed to be doing. But she does want to know when she will get her £4.5M pay?'

To clear up the confusion, Fujitsu were contacted, and a spokesperson explained: 'Yes, our job is to ensure we get the right result.  Nothing can possibly go wrong. See?  Look - we control the results remotely from here.  If any returning officers accidentally announce the wrong result, we will inform the electoral commission who, we will insist, will bundle them off to jail,  And also raise a bit more cash on the side by declaring that every candidate except the highest bidder has lost their deposit.'

'And as for postal votes?  Er, just don't go there.  Not if you know what's good for you.'

Image: Pixabay/Clkr-Free-Vector-Images

Gambling Commission to investigate leaving EU, herd immunity and Rwanda plan

The Gambling Commission is to investigate a series of risky punts the Conservative Party has made over the past 14 years.

Top bookie-type who knows all the hand signals, Dai Roller said, 'If you're so stupid as to make a bet you're definitely going to lose, then gambling houses are happy to accept your charitable generosity. Chancellor of the Exchequer Jeremy Hunt wagering the entire UK economy on the election being on the 44th July? Well, he's just a mug who doesn't understand how numbers work, and the industry thanks him for his continued financial support.

'But if you're going to gamble so recklessly with people's lives, the futures of their children, and the welfare of the entire planet, then we've got to look at that sh!t. I mean, no one else is going to, are they?

'F*ck me, though. Do you know how long it's going to take us to investigate all the epic punt fails the Tories made? We've already found 863 examples of utterly imbecilic bets bound to cause widespread death to innocent members of the British public, and we're not even up to the Liz Truss era.'

Image: Pixabay/stux

Government denies putting sharks in Channel is part of anti-migrant policy

"Putting hundreds of killer sharks between England and France shows our commitment to biodiversity and protecting vulnerable species", DEFRA spokesman Bryan Mackenzie has insisted. He explains that it is part of "resetting the ecological balance" in British waters. The fact that the sharks can smell a dinghy full of asylum seekers from five miles away never even occurred to the ministers who planned this move, he claims.

"It could also bring much-needed movie revenue to the south of England", he adds. "Any Hollywood producer who wants to set Jaws V on the Kent coast will have a cast of terrifying predator sharks ready and waiting. He might even snatch some real-life footage of someone being chewed up by one of them - although we sincerely hope it won't be a migrant, of course".

The first batch of the bloodthirsty fish were released at Dover today. "Within a month 500 of these chaps will be patrolling - sorry, I mean swimming and frolicking in - the English Channel", Mr Mackenzie promised.

Meanwhile, he brushed off concerns that the sharks have been fed on special migrant-flavoured snacks while in captivity.

Image:Pixabay/PIRO4D