Starmer's suits, frocks and glasses are security risks

A spokesperson for number 10 has confirmed that the Prime Minister needs to accept bespoke suits, frocks for Mrs Starmer and mega-expensive glasses to reduce the security risks.

'If the Prime Minister was to use Specsavers then we would have to clear out the whole store and fill it with security personnel at huge costs to the taxpayer,' he said, explaining the rationale was the same as using a gifted box at Arsenal instead of clearing the whole of the home stands and filling them with security.

'And buying suits from M&S would be impossible, what with the Reform demographic shopping there.  We'd have to clear the store, Primark next door and half the security detail insist they'd have to stake out the Ann Summers' shop across the road just in case,' he added.

He denied Mrs Starmers' frocks were purely security concern related.  'The Chancellor has saved so much taking the Winter Fuel Allowance off pensioners she felt the PM was due a bonus.  Unfortunately, her idea of buying him football tickets, new suits or designer glasses were no-go, so she bought his missus a few fancy frocks instead,' he said.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Tabloids rejoice in finding a person who will properly suffer after losing Winter Fuel Payment

With the new Government’s brutal withdraw of the £200 or £300 survival payment, surely this will mean bodies piling up in the streets this winter, and not in the good way like Boris Johnson said.

As fair and balanced tabloids search for stories of desperate frail old ladies who are now going to only be able to use a single candle to survive over winter, it turns out that not all old people will be culled.

Some early attempts of interviewing elderly professional complainers sounded promising, with tales of eating or heating come September. Unfortunately, sympathy drops somewhat when they casually drop in the fact that they live in a £350,000 house they fully own.

Then amid all the tales of sad pensioners tearing up their golf membership in front of cameras, or silver foxes looking forlornly at Cruise prices, a true unicorn shit of a story appears.

Enid McFrail (92), who rents a one-bedroom hovel in the village of Lower Desperation, ticks all the pity boxes. Because of her work with a local Special Needs Charity, earns just enough to deny her the £300 this year and even has a walking stick and sad eyes.

Unfortunately, the tabloid induced outrage has highlighted her situation and the GoFundMe has already smashed the £301 target; and she now has just bought a yellow Porsche.

Image: Pixabay/Frantisek_

Rioter inconsolable after different rioter steals all his bath-bombs

Nigel Evans, 32 from Hull, woke up on Sunday morning, excited for the day ahead.

‘I’d never done a riot before’ He explains ‘so I was buzzing all day. Really excited, you know? So anyway, fast forward to the event. I’d joined in with the guys, setting fire to a few bins, threw stuff at the police – I wasn’t completely comfortable with that bit. The others were throwing bricks, bottles – anything they could find. I still had a Ginster’s pasty from a petrol station we raided so I threw that. I felt terrible because it was still hot. Like lava those things are.’

As the day wore on, shops were ransacked, and libraries burnt to the ground. Then around three hours into the riot, it all went wrong for Mr Evans.

‘I can’t believe it. Everything was going great. We’d stopped off at Greggs for an all-you-can-eat buffet and then stopped off at Lush. I thought "Fantastic – I need some more bath-bombs.” So I got stocked up. I had to grab a bag to carry them all in but I left my 10p for that. Because of the environment tax, you know? Got to save the planet.

‘Anyway, further down the road this guy – Ken his name was – noticed I hadn’t set fire to any bins myself. So he offered to hold onto my bag of bath-bombs while I lit a bin-fire. When I turned around, he’d gone. I was gutted – I was really looking forward to a lovely hot bath and lovely soft skin.’

Mr Evans reported the crime to the police, and was immediately arrested.

‘I’m the victim here. I just wanted a lovely bath. It’s not the same in prison – they only have showers and that soap is impossible to hang on to’

Visiting hours for Mr Evans are to be announced soon.

Image: Pixabay/gefrorene_wand