Government denies cost cutting as it launches Pre-Loved lateral flow kits and PPE

The government's 'living with covid' strategy has hit resistance as the public are being asked to re-use lateral flow kits or return them to health centres for reissue. 'Of course we're going to lick the swabs clean before we re-issue them,' said a government spokesperson today, 'and who hasn't borrowed a friend's face mask? eh? Of course you have,' he said before adding, 'oh, you haven't? Aren't you la-de-da, I bet you've had one of those PPE contracts and feel you can afford anything, don't you?'

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Government confident of a gold medal in the wine fridge bobsleigh

As the country's usual bunch of spineless losers try to work out how to put on a pair of snowboards, great things are expected from the British wine fridge team. The Sports Minister was positive about their chances. 'This is our chance to win gold and finally hold our heads high amongst the winter sporting elites.' 'We've invested massive amounts of funding in bringing ourselves to this point. We spent a hundred and forty-four quid on the wine fridge itself, thirty-four bottles of the 1975 Chateau Lafon Rochet at seventy-nine pounds a pop and two large suitcases from Tesco at £79.77 each.' 'Of course, we have to keep a wary out for the Italians and the French who are practically opening wine-fridges as soon as they can walk. However, our hard-working athletes have been working around the clock, learning how to strap themselves to the wine fridge and hurl themselves down the slippery, icy track of certain death. It's jolly exciting. The only thing that comes close is being chased around Poundland by a pair of Doberman Pinschers.' 'We've asked for the event to take place between 4 pm and 7 pm on a Friday when our team are at their peak of physical fitness.'

Bobsled Sports Winter Ice - Free photo on Pixabay

Sexed-down dossier on Russian infiltration of British high streets declassified by UK government

In a pitiful bid to deflect media interest away from woeful governance in Britain, top secret files have been released which point to naughty Cold War tactics by Russia.

An unspecified Foreign Secretary camouflaged very well said without hardly doing any arm zinger movements, 'The Russians were active on Great British high streets during the 1980s and '90s, right under our noses.

'Millions of young children were influenced into Communist thinking through being bought playthings in a consumerist frenzy from the retailer Toys "R" Us. Our top codebreakers have cracked the secret code, and spotted that the R and Us spell 'Rus' which is short for Russia. They even put the R backwards, so we're in no doubt.

'Happily, pushback on Russia was strong from us plucky Brits. As you can see in the dossier papers which are definitely not just made up yesterday at about teatime, the 'U-Like' bit of Spud-U-Like is an anagram of UK lie.'

Hat tip to modelmaker

Moscow Spasskaya Tower St Basil'S - Free photo on Pixabay