Government refusing to confirm Black Death outbreak

The government continues to deny an imminent plague pandemic, despite disturbing warnings and signs that keep popping up.

Journalists are demanding to know why September 1-8 was suddenly chosen to be Black Death Awareness Week.

Households in Norwich were sent an inexplicable "bring out your dead" SMS with the added info that "collection is planned for Tuesdays". However, the National Health Service insists this is just a routine drill to keep people prepared for hypothetical health scares.

"We have to think of a worst case scenario" said an NHS spokesman, who also warned people not to be alarmed by the invitation to download the Report-a-Rat app.

Other concerned citizens have noticed public service announcements instructing them to pull over to the kerb when they see a cartload of putrefying corpses in their rear view mirror, reminding them that "plague victims have the right of way under the 1346 Road Traffic Act".

However, the police have called for calm, insisting this is just "part of our ongoing efforts to make Britain's roads safer and ensure smoother traffic flow".

Meanwhile, in London, council employees have been spotted marking crosses on doors, using a laser to keep a safe distance.

Most alarming of all, Boris Johnson has appeared in public wearing a beak-shaped plague mask. But his spokesman assured journalists that it's "more of a fashion statement, really - a metaphor for the toxic political environment that brought about his downfall".

When asked to comment, Mr Johnson was less than helpful. "Is that a giant bubo on your groin or are you just pleased to see me?", he quipped.

Image: Skitterphoto | Pixabay

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Government to cap train fares and golf club memberships

The government has demonstrated it is listening to the woes of the UK population, and has promised to take action to limit increases in rail fares, golf club membership fees, the price of Chianti, and other things that middle-class Conservative voters often spend money on.

'We are very aware of the opinion poll, sorry, cost of living crisis,' said Marjorie Runcorn, Minister for August, "and these decisive steps will make sure that Just About Managing Very Nicely families - and, if necessary, those without children too - will not personally feel the pinch. We are confident that this should help the party - sorry, the country - get through the winter.'

Asked if she might follow the lead of Greater Manchester and also cut bus fares, Ms Runcorn said that actually reducing the price of anything was not government policy, and that personally she had no interest in a transport mode that is only used by "common people who hardly vote"; a sentiment that she later clarified really meant "valued Red Wall Conservatives".