IMF 'bunch of bellends' or 'absolutely brilliant' depending if we need to borrow money

This week, the government is focusing its mixed messaging and contradictory positions on the International Monetary Fund.

'How dare they criticise our incompetence', said someone doing a terrible impression of a Chancellor. 'Yes, the pound has collapsed and the country's heading for a slump, but they shouldn't point that out. Having said that, we really love the way they loan money to countries that have destroyed their own economies. Not that we've done that, and if we did it's definitely Gordon Brown's fault.'

Government admits it is now a parody account

'Yes, you got us banged to rights,' admitted a government spokesman today. 'We've been a comedy government for some time, so the transition to a full-blown parody account was a no-brainer.'

The full-blown parody was started with the appointment of an obese, cigar-smoking woman who objects to abortions despite the health connotations for many women to the role of Health Secretary, on the grounds that the country needs more of the currently unborn to shoulder the burden of debt that will pay more excess profits to the energy sector for the next thirty years, and the appointment of climate change deniers to oversee the environment is believed to have occupied Prime Minister Truss' brain for no more than a nano-second.

'Despite their disbelief in the scientific consensus, and while the parody government is going to resume fracking and will pull more hydrocarbons out of the ground, it is serious about renewable sources. Windfalls, for example, are to be banned,' said the spokesperson.

Westminster Palace Building Night - Free photo on Pixabay

'Energy price cap' is this season’s must have

As invisible as the rest of the Emperor’s new clothes, the 'energy price cap' is set to enter the dictionary alongside other more established phrases that mean useless. Like ‘levelling up’ or ‘Liz Truss’.

A Conservative spokesman made it rain in the club before shouting ‘Listen to me, peasants! Wear your energy price caps at a jaunty angle and let the good times roll, baby! Or alternatively, pair your energy price cap with some concrete boots and get drowned by debt! This Conservative Government will generously permit peasants to have jam tomorrow, as well as some lovely chocolate teapots. Sadly, as peasants, you won't be able to afford to boil the kettle to make any tea. He can’t alter Tory policy, but we blame Keir Starmer, so does the Daily Mail and so should you peasants.’

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures