Government agrees to allow people to dream - grudgingly

A government spokesperson stated today that the government agrees it has run roughshod over the aspirations of the population. 'The youth of today dare not dream of owning a house, of having a worthwhile career, of a decent society,' he said. Acknowledging that the government is likely to face the toughest election since 1997, he said they had decided on a change of policy.

'We will allow people to dream of owning a house. We want them to be able to imagine having a career. We're not going to do anything to enable these aspirations, of course, but they have our permission. If they vote us in next time we'll add a few more items to their wish lists, such as hoping not to freeze in their parents' home, but don't hold your breath,' he said.

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Most of remaining government time to be spent apologising

The government has set out a timetable for it's business leading up to a general election in 2024 and and the vast majority of the days are allocated to apologies.

A newly set-up Department of Contrition has published several white papers, which it hopes will cover most of the major calamities visited on the country in the last 12 years.

"Grenfell is the start.", said a grim faced spokesman. "We've managed to find a few spare days when Mr Johnson isn't on holiday to make a start on what we expect to be long process of regret. Liz Truss is believed to have cleared her diary for the next 18 months."

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Image: PixabayChequeredlink

Old Moore promises to do better

The publishers of the legendary Old Moore’s Almanac have confessed that they didn’t get 2022 quite right. A spokesperson informed the media:-

“We admit that the current publication has not been our finest hour – or year for that matter. To be fair, we did get the first 6 months pretty much spot on. Well as much as vague, vapid predictions ever do. However who could have possibly foreseen that the second half of the year would be such a total shitstorm? We didn’t – ha ha that’s an off the record ironic joke by the way.

"Honestly, if we could really predict the future we would be hedge fund managers trousering billions, not writing crap only purchased by morons – oops the last comment is off the record too.

"Nevertheless I will give you a 100% accurate prediction. Anyone wanting a refund on this year’s edition – or next years for that matter – is certain to be disappointed.

"We do understand that we need to improve our forecasts. We are heavily investing in new talent to get 2023 right. An exciting new recruit is Kwasi ‘Gypsy’ Kwarteng. If his crystal ball is playing up he is also skilled in reading the entrails of a sacrificial goat – or Prime Minister”

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