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The government's latest advice to assist those it put into dire need on purpose, is to tell them to switch to a rat-based diet.
A statement from Downing Street said, with only brief pauses for corpsing, 'We urge the people of this great nation to make stiff upper lips like rats while you bite into rats. You see, it solves two problems:
1. The rumbling tummies of the squeezed middle will die down enough for us to hear ourselves think of the next ridiculous headline distracter.
2. It'll reduce the abundance of vermin during the inevitable strike by binmen when the rubbish will pile high in your streets.
'Eating rats will see you through the war. And it is a war. We declared a war on woke, and evil wokes must be destroyed. Everyone must make rat-consumption sacrifices and understand that the most important priority of this government is wokerati defeat. To that end, all government efforts will continue to be, quite rightly, focused on cultural division.'
image from pixabay
The £1 billion package to provide beds and ambulances will see a recently refloated MFI supply thousands of self assembly hospital beds to homes to support the associated 'hospital from home' initiative. 'This squares the circle', said a minister today who refused to admit of deny that he had been instrumental in re-floating MFI. 'We know we haven't any spare staff in the hospitals, but at your own house? Of course you have. We'll provide plenty of videos, on Betamax, for anyone wanting to know how to set a line up, perform an appendectomy or carry out CPR,' he added. 'We don't expect the government to provide toasters, though.'
The extra ambulances are actually just Ubers, he confirmed. 'By shipping patients by Uber back to their homes we can take some pressure off the ambulances currently parked up outside hospitals - they can discharge their patients to go back home as soon as the MFI delivery occurs, or sooner,' he said.
image from pixabay
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