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Writer's picturedeskpilot
Jul 24, 2023

Just Stop Fun plans summer of protest




The protest group Just Stop Fun is launching a new summer campaign against Big Oil. After disrupting all the adult sporting events this summer, the focus of protests is now switching to kids activities in the school holidays.


Colin Snide (not his real name) is a spokesmouth for Just Stop Fun. He told me that the group would be targeting children’s playgrounds, chaining up roundabouts, padlocking swing chains and putting very sticky stuff on slides so that they don’t work. ‘Our kids,’ he says, ‘will be seriously affected by climate change, so we want to use pester power to get home our message to Just Stop Big Oil. We know that their tears and screams will send a strong message to deadbeat parents who are addicted to fossil fuels and non-recyclable take-away tubs. The kids know that, deep down, we are on their side and that we are not just dismal old fun-sponges with no sense of proportion.’


A campaign of targeted interventions over the summer is planned at theme parks and seaside attractions. Planned stunts will include:


• sedating seaside donkeys so that they can’t give rides

• putting fish entrails in the splashdown at the big dipper, so that everyone smells really bad for the rest of the day

• concreting in most of the holes at crazy golf courses (not the one with the little windmill, obviously)

• putting nutella into ball ponds at pubs and play areas so that parents are freaked out when their kids emerge covered in brown sticky stuff

• using Mr Whippy vans to serve entirely liquid ice creams, to illustrate the impact of climate change


Colin says ‘for six weeks we are going to relax, kick back and do something a bit different. Once the kids are safely back at school we will get back to buggering up buses, trains, traffic and sporting events. So enjoy the summer break!’




Writer's pictureModelMaker
Jun 22, 2023

Government to adopt public school tactics over inflation



Borrowers have been put on notice for further Bank of England interest rate rises after inflation in the UK unexpectedly remained stuck at 8.7% in May.


Ex-public schoolboy and Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, was rumoured to be entering No.10 wearing a teaching gown and mortar board he’d nicked from an old school master, muttering “The beatings will continue until the behaviour changes” as he twirled a cane.


Our economics correspondent says he thinks this is Sunak’s way of explaining to mortgage payers that if they continue to borrow money to feed and clothe their children, causing him to look silly for promising to halve inflation, he will adopt the same attitude his sports master did when he was caught puffing on his fag behind the bike shed by making interest rates even more punishing.






Writer's pictureSteveb
Jun 19, 2023

Government inquiry into cot deaths concludes no cots actually died



After the media scared parents into believing cots could die of nothing, and therefore also scaring them into buying more newspapers during the early 1990s, an investigation initiated by the government has concluded in record time.


After only 30 years, the inquiry - during which no government official was allowed to comment due to the ongoing inquiry - a full and clear report with no redactions has been released.


'This is the first time a government inquiry has been seen through to the end and made public in the proper way,' said Richard Pinner, who can't remember if he used to be an MP because it has been so long. 'When something tricky comes up which senior politicians of dubious integrity don't want to talk about because it makes them look even worse than they are, the government orders an inquiry into it, and the press can't ask them any more questions until the inquiry has concluded.


'Eventually, the public simply forget that something really serious happened, and stop caring.


'There are currently over 84,000 inquiries ongoing at a cost to the taxpayer of £37 Billion. It's your classic swindle. The government gets the public to pay for the public not to be told about really serious stuff the government screwed up. You know, which might be of great danger to the public, and certainly in the public interest.'


Commentators have said that no cots actually dying comes as a great relief. The only recommendation the report makes is to suggest that a subsequent inquiry should be opened into whether any cribs died.






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