Keir drafts his ‘100 day achievements’ list

Keir is expecting to reach his one hundredth day as Prime Minister very soon, so he’s working on his list of achievements.   This will enable his press office to feed an easy story to lazy journalists. The draft list looks like this:

DO MENTION

Great Olympics and great Paralympics – all those gold medals really show what we can do as a nation – and not a penny of taxpayers’ money spent. Thank god for the national lottery (and sponsorship from Aldi).

Sorting out the mess of Tory strikes – I’ve taken difficult decisions and driven a hard bargain with the rail unions. I’ve given the NHS a shot in the arm by settling pay disputes there. (Note to self: ignore any questions about where the money is coming from. Use the ‘broadest shoulders’ line. Don’t mention 14.5% or 22.4% pay increases, as those numbers sound big.)

Sorting out the mess of Tory riots – I’ve been tough on civil disorder and banged up lots of right-wing voters. (Note: blame early prisoner releases on the Tories)

I’m sorting out the Tories economic legacy.   Aldi, Lidl and Poundland are all opening new stores – proper shops, selling useful stuff (must check to see if these stores are owned by foreigners).   And I’ve agreed to bung Tata Steel half a billion to appease the steel unions. Difficult decisions!  (Don’t mention the increase in first class post.  £1.65 FFS.  Remember to ask a donor to buy stamps for Christmas cards before prices go up.   2,000 stamps should do it? Avoid talking about the budget – that is going to be a real downer.  Good idea to delay the budget until after the first 100 days. 

MENTION IF ASKED

I have sorted out the Tory mess of anti-Semitism in the Labour Party.  I strongly support Israel’s right to defend itself on even dates.  On odd dates, I wring my hands about civilian casualties. (Don’t mention weapons sales to Israel)

Larry the Cat is an outdated hangover from the previous administration, and I’ve taken the difficult decision to bring in a young, energetic and more left-wing cat.

I’ve taken the difficult decision to take away the winter fuel payment from rich, right-wing voters who don’t need it. To everyone who voted for change, this is a change.  Buy thicker vests, for goodness sake. Remember that I have kept my promise on the triple lock.   So far.

DON’T MENTION

Free clothes. Frocks for Victoria costing £5,000. Not on my credit card! (People will say I'm in the pockets of the unions, when I'm actually in the Y fronts of the unions.)

Jeremy Corbyn or Diane Abbott – there’s always something else with them.  Why does she think she's a non-person?

Ukraine using British tanks to invade Russia. Jesus.

Finally finding the time to sort out my Pokémon card collection.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Starmer's suits, frocks and glasses are security risks

A spokesperson for number 10 has confirmed that the Prime Minister needs to accept bespoke suits, frocks for Mrs Starmer and mega-expensive glasses to reduce the security risks.

'If the Prime Minister was to use Specsavers then we would have to clear out the whole store and fill it with security personnel at huge costs to the taxpayer,' he said, explaining the rationale was the same as using a gifted box at Arsenal instead of clearing the whole of the home stands and filling them with security.

'And buying suits from M&S would be impossible, what with the Reform demographic shopping there.  We'd have to clear the store, Primark next door and half the security detail insist they'd have to stake out the Ann Summers' shop across the road just in case,' he added.

He denied Mrs Starmers' frocks were purely security concern related.  'The Chancellor has saved so much taking the Winter Fuel Allowance off pensioners she felt the PM was due a bonus.  Unfortunately, her idea of buying him football tickets, new suits or designer glasses were no-go, so she bought his missus a few fancy frocks instead,' he said.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Tabloids rejoice in finding a person who will properly suffer after losing Winter Fuel Payment

With the new Government’s brutal withdraw of the £200 or £300 survival payment, surely this will mean bodies piling up in the streets this winter, and not in the good way like Boris Johnson said.

As fair and balanced tabloids search for stories of desperate frail old ladies who are now going to only be able to use a single candle to survive over winter, it turns out that not all old people will be culled.

Some early attempts of interviewing elderly professional complainers sounded promising, with tales of eating or heating come September. Unfortunately, sympathy drops somewhat when they casually drop in the fact that they live in a £350,000 house they fully own.

Then amid all the tales of sad pensioners tearing up their golf membership in front of cameras, or silver foxes looking forlornly at Cruise prices, a true unicorn shit of a story appears.

Enid McFrail (92), who rents a one-bedroom hovel in the village of Lower Desperation, ticks all the pity boxes. Because of her work with a local Special Needs Charity, earns just enough to deny her the £300 this year and even has a walking stick and sad eyes.

Unfortunately, the tabloid induced outrage has highlighted her situation and the GoFundMe has already smashed the £301 target; and she now has just bought a yellow Porsche.

Image: Pixabay/Frantisek_