Theresa Coffey has clarified the government's excrement position by explaining that not giving a shit means that she'd be charging "£20 a lump" and that people should be "jolly grateful" for that deal.
"I don't see why my valuable outpourings should just be flushed away into the local river, so, as projections suggest that my personal income may be on the decline after the next election, its prudent to tap this new money source. I'd give it ten minutes if I were you, and that'll be £40."
Animal rights campaigners made the COVID inquiry halt proceedings today, as they forced their way into the room shouting that the assembled lawyers and journalists were "taking advantage of dumb beasts for entertainment".
"Watching these entitled Whitehall arseholes stab each other in the back all day is a degrading spectacle" said protestor Ben Jones, who led the demonstration. "We want it banned and replaced with something more humane and edifying, like cock fighting for example. Although maybe that's too similar."
However, Samantha Groenwald, Head of Exploitation Programming at the BBC, was adamant that "the blamefest must go on. The public has a right to know what kind of bastards were running the country. Just in case they hadn't already worked it out. And anyway, we love the COVID enquiry. It costs us next to nothing and the viewers are lapping it up. We were bidding for Pro-Celebrity Bully XL Wrestling from Alabama, but that would've cost up to 5 minutes of Gary Lineker, I ask you. Roll on the HS2 enquiry."
