Medically obese not to be treated like fat cats

The government has decided that those citizens who are clinically obese are to be 'encouraged' to take part in a lucrative experiment, with the encouragement expected to be a reduction or removal of their benefits.

A study has determined that the contract will result in a number of fat cats who will not have their subsistence removed; rather it will increase with each individual working at the top end of the drug manufacturer becoming filthy rich.  

Other studies have shown making healthy foods more affordable than unhealthy ones would likely result in many of the clinically obese becoming less obese and more likely to become economically productive without expensive drugs, but the fat cats that donate to the government tend to disagree as they largely get fat on ultra processed food.  And providing drugs.

Image: Pixabay/Joa70

Businesses say rise in Employers National Insurance will trigger huge price rises

Cheesed-off business leaders have started a campaign against the increase in employers NI that is likely to be in the budget later this month.

One fat cat told us, ‘If our costs go up, then we will have to put our prices up. A big mac could hit five quid. Tea in a National Trust café could hit six quid. Scones could be a fiver each. It’s not going to be pretty. This will fuel inflation and cause a wage price spiral that could see Russia invading Moldova and the melting of all the arctic ice.

‘Luckily, there is still time for the chancellor to see sense, and to decide to cut benefits for work-shy dossers instead. If she could see her way clear to doing that, then we can happily keep paying for government ministers to have smart new clothes, designer spectacles, gig tickets, and Premier League football boxes. Simples.’

Image: Pixabay/geralt

“Don’t judge me by first 100 hours” says captain of Titanic

It was revealed today that Edward J Smith, captain of the Titanic, gave a press conference an hour or so after striking the iceberg.

”OK, I concede the first 100 hours of the voyage have been choppy,” said the bearded mariner, as the water lapped around his ankles. “But hey, that’s the business we’re in. A ship in harbour is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for, am I right?

”It about taking the tough decisions, even when they aren’t popular. And from what I’ve since heard from the crew and passengers, driving the ship into an iceberg definitely wasn’t popular.

”But believe me, these little setbacks you’re all obsessed with now will be completely forgotten once we arrive triumphantly in New York, where cheering crowds and brass bands await us.”

The rest of his speech was lost as the waters closed above his head, though some witnesses claim he said “At least I didn’t lead a left wing party into power and then kick pensioners in the teeth.”

Image: Pixabay/Iffany