Monopolies Commission 'concerned' about next election

Polling appears to suggest that Labour are on target to gain at least 105% of the seats in Parliament, given a Standard Deviant score of three MPs per constituency. The Monopolies Commission, which has for decades argued against an alternative commission to monitor monopolistic agencies, believes that other parties should be given a chance.

'People seem to be concerned about Green issues, but the Green MP voter seems likely to be halved,' said a Monopolies Commission spokesman today, admitting that half an MP is unusual.  'The Liberal Democrats will be lucky to get a quarter of a seat, according to National polls,' the spokesperson said. adding, 'and the Conservatives are looking at getting fuck all squared. Seems to be about right, but we are concerned about the Greens,' the spokesperson said.   

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UK government plan to extend voting rights to dogs

The Conservative government today announced that they are planning to extend the franchise to include dogs.

Just like Brexit, dogs that live and work (and pay taxes) in the UK will only be eligible to vote if they can prove their British pedigree and credentials.

Some critics denounced the move as the latest in a series of desperate attempts to rig the forthcoming election, after introducing stringent ID checks for younger people, allowing retired ex-pats who have paid no tax to have a vote for life, and changing the electoral boundaries.

Nonetheless, others have cautiously welcomed the move. A member of the Lib Dems noted that compared to the 2016 Brexit vote and the 2019 General Election – when millions were consistently hoodwinked by bluster and buffoonery - dogs were likely to use their vote much more wisely than the broad electorate.

A spokeswoman for the RSPCA also noted that, ‘Dogs may not be able to detect pathological liars but, nonetheless, they do have a very keen sense of smell, and so they may well be able to sniff out professional bullsh*tters from a mile off – which could have a significant impact on the results of the next General Election.’

Image: 825545 - Pixabay

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Sunak removes whip from Enoch Powell

The prime-minister has defended his timing after removing the Conservative whip from Enoch Powell on the fiftieth anniversary of Powell leaving the party of his own accord and over twenty years since he died.

"It is important to give people a chance to make amends" said Mr Sunak. "But having given Mr Powell 50 years to change his opinion on the naming of the Commonwealth, its right that he understands he cannot cross the leadership."

It's understood that the Conservative Party had planned to use Mystic Meg to contact Mr Powell to deliver the damning verdict, but after Mystic Meg's death, she's become even more mystical so the minister for Fairy dust and Unicorns is being moved from his Brexit duties to contacting the dead.

Image: andyreedobe - Pixabay

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