Government to legislate against raised eyebrows

With the right to hold a peaceful protest legislated against successfully, and with personal freedoms trampled on with impunity, the government has proposed its most far-reaching raft of laws to limit public discourse. 

'We are going to make raising a single eyebrow in a show of scepticism illegal,' said a government spokesman today.  'For too long the public have been raising a single eyebrow which deputises for "oh, really?", and undermines the purpose of the government which is to - er - govern and leverage as much money out of the system as possible,' he added.

Maverick members of the public are determined to get around the ban by learning how to wiggle their ears and raise their top lip Elvis-style. 

'Or, we could just vote the w@ankers out of public life,' suggested approximately forty million registered voters.  

Image: Pixabay/sarahlarkin

NHS overstretch linked to government shooting itself in the foot

Researchers into the NHS have identified that the increased waiting lists are not directly linked to the ongoing doctor strikes, as suggested by the government, but into the constant stream of self-inflicted injuries by Conservative MPs over the last 14 years.

'We thought the high spot was Brexit,' said a trauma doctor today.  'Self-harm on a national scale is unusual and led to multiple issues for the NHS despite the carrot of £350 million a week being dangled, but it has been eclipsed many times over,' he added.

'Rishi Sunak's much vaunted Eat Out to Kill More People was a doody, eclipsing slightly the PPE shortage created by ignoring the WHO warnings while encouraging people to mingle at international football matches and huge horse racing meetings.

'But more recently we've seen a major increase in hypertension, heart attacks and burst blood vessels over flights to Rwanda, Bibby Stockholm and anything that came out of Lee Anderson's mouth until he defected to reform.  Now Reform has to take some responsibility,' said the doctor.

A government spokesman denied the issue was with them.  'Unless Angela Rayner pays back the £1500 tax experts suggest she doesn't owe then heart attacks, heightened blood pressure and spontaneous frothing at the mouth will continue to rise,' he said.  'Everything that is wrong in the UK is Labour's fault,' he added.  'It's their fault they've been in opposition for fourteen years, it's not like we made their job of winning difficult!'

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Eclipse prompts new Trump slogan - “Make America Bright Again”

In the wake of the solar eclipse that passed across the United States today, Donald Trump unveiled a new slogan - “Make America Bright Again”. “This never happened when I was president,” said the Republican candidate, now busy campaigning for the November election. “Just remember, under crooked Joe Biden, you don’t even get reliable sunlight during the day.

“When I was in power, the sun shone all the time, the weather was perfect. It never rained, except when farmers needed it, in which case it rained exactly the right amount and only on their fields.” He then set out a plan to build a wall around the sun so that the moon won’t be able to cross in front of it in future, explaining that the builders wouldn’t be burned to a crisp because they’d do it at night. “And they’d be Mexicans anyway, so it wouldn’t matter.”

Hearing about his opponent’s statement, President Biden rubbed his temples and said that half of America could indeed do with being a bit brighter. He then issued a warning that Trump’s face had now become such a bright orange, it wasn’t safe to look at it directly without special glasses.

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