Extra defence spending will go on 3D printers

Grant Shapps has allayed fears that the extra defence spending announced by the Prime Minister might result in a return to conscription.

Following a series of visits to Shaanxi Province, China in which cabinet members marvelled first hand at the terracotta army built for Qin Shi Huang, the first Chinese Emperor to protect him in the afterlife, government ministers have been concerned for their welfare when their time in office ends and concluded that they too might benefit from having terracotta armies of their own in their afterlives.

Expert pottery consultants advised the government at a cost of £15bn that they had left it too late to fire the volume of clay that would be required; and in any event, since the education policies instigated when Michael Gove was Education Secretary have resulted in a generation of workers unable to discern shit from clay, there’s a high probability of inappropriate materials being used.

Instead, Tory doners from the 3D printing industry have promised the government it could acquire an army made from plastic within the time frame needed if it places an immediate order for 175 XP1500pro 3D printers.

Newsbiscuit’s defence correspondent explained “It’s always been foolish to imagine Conservative governments would regard defence spending as intended to protect anyone other than themselves.”

Image: Pixabay/kaboompics

Scottish stationer asks how long next First Minister likely to last

Renowned Scottish stationer McCreedy’s has protested at yet another job being sent back because it was out of date by the time they delivered it.

”We’d produced the complete set of personalised stationery for Holyrood - letterheads, comp slips, envelopes - all referencing Humza Yousaf as First Minister. And on the very morning we deliver it, the bugger resigns. 

“We vowed not to take any more Westminster jobs after the Liz Truss fiasco, which led to tonnes of paper having to be pulped, but Edinburgh seems just as bad these days.”

The spokesmen went on to say they’d be seeking guarantees before accepting any more orders from Holyrood. “For example, is the new First Minister in coalition with another party he’s about to massively piss off?”

Asked if they were also concerned Scotland might achieve independence, with all the reprinting that would require, the spokesman laughed and said “No, I don’t think so. It’s the paradox of Scottish politics that the Nats will always be in power, often with a huge majority, but in a referendum the people will always reject their one and only policy. We’re a bit like teenagers who constantly moan about their parents but never quite have the balls to leave home.”

Image: Pixabay/PIRO4D

Homeless veterans to dress as tanks to attract funding

As arms spending sky rockets - literally with sky rockets - the UK's homeless have tried to capitalize on this by sleeping inside cannons, in the hope of being mistaken for a threadbare missile. Only by getting some of that sweet, sweet military appropriation, can they get their very own silo, with top of the range camouflage and space for a loft extension.

Said one activist: 'For a fraction of the defense budget, we could end homelessness and still have enough change leftover to buy Belguim. For £2bn we could give everyone a home and still keep the option open to bomb them later, if we change our minds.

'Not only does the MoD have vast amounts of land and wealth, it has stockpiles of decommissioned vehicles that could be converted into bullet proof homes, all pre-painted - if you happen to like battle ship grey. All the homeless need to do is pretend to be soldiers, which is ironic given that most of them were.'

Image: Pixabay/1681551