Take back control of our borders? The UK can't even control its Irish boundary line

The paradox of the Rwanda plan is that claiming it's a successful deterrent requires admission that a frictionless border with Ireland only works when the UK is in the EU.

'We told them many times,' sighed Elsa van Roest, EU head of stating the bleedin' obvious to the Brits. 'We even said it in plain English so that they might understand. Perhaps we should have used Cockney rhyming slang? Brexit meant that the Irish border would unavoidably become a backdoor between the UK and the EU. I would say inescapably instead of unavoidably, but now that the UK has... erm... misplaced several thousand asylum seekers, inescapable seems inappropriate.

'Like a flock of sheep accidentally transferred to Battersea Dogs Home, the UK has totally lost control of its borders. Collies everywhere. Now this whole mess has set the Irish off again, but I shall refrain from making more doggy puns about Irish setters.

'And we can't really understand what the British government is trying to achieve within its own borders. Asylum seekers who were actively presenting at Home Office facilities have decided not to bother any more. They are now effectively absorbed into the UK community, which is odd as that seemed to be precisely the opposite outcome to what racists were demanding.

'It's not all bad news, of course. Now that Scotland has also collapsed into disarray, we look forward to welcoming a relatively strong and stable Rwanda to the EU. I know this must be true because UK law says it is.'

Image: Pixabay/pixaline

Tories told to embrace opportunities of Pexit

Several Conservative MPs have been encouraged to explore the many opportunities offered by leaving Parliament.

Mr Rees-Mogg said, "We spend 80,000 guineas a year on an MP, that would be better spent on the NHS; imagine how many leeches that could pay for?"

"I can't see any downsides to Pexit", said David Davies, "Only considerable upsides. I'm planning to offer my services as a consultant. I'm assuming I'll still receive my salary and can continue to use my Westminster Office after I leave parliament?"

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Tory Masterplan revealed: how the Conservatives will lose but also win the next election

Following the defection of Conservative MP Dan Poluter to Labour by simply crossing the floor, it has been revealed how the current government will survive annihilation.

'You see, Labour and the Liberal Democrats are naive and very dim,' nansplained forgotten right-wing strategist, Cominic Dummings, dimly and naively letting the fatcat out of the bag. 'They won't see it coming.

'All Conservative MPs have to do is jump ship to whichever party is likely to win their constituency. Then, having retained their seat, they all merely renege on their renege and recross the floor back to the Con Party to reform a majority.'

When asked if that bonkers notion was fundamentally undemocratic, fraudulent, and would leave UK government in a strangulated inoperative state with a majority opposition, Dummings snorted, 'Good Lord, you haven't learnt anything, have you?

'It's not about running Britain well or a patriotic love for the nation. Conservatism is all about personal gain whatever the cost to everyone else and the country. It's a miracle they don't scratch each other's eyes out whenever there's another Tory leadership campaign. And there's plenty more on the horizon because they all want their own crack. Especially that Gove.'

Hat-tip: apepper

Image: Pixabay/ sarahlarkin