top of page
Search
Mayor of London Sadiq Khan announced today that, if re-elected, he intends to introduce “Audi or above” lanes on London’s roads.
”It’s an idea we’ve been toying with for a while,” he told journalists today. “The ULEZ charge, which penalises people with older cars who can least afford to pay it, was a step in this direction. But I think it’s time we came out and made our intentions plain.
“A lot of people think it’s inevitable central London will become an exclusive playground for the rich, with the working classes only going there to provide some kind of service for them and then going home, but I don’t agree. I think we have to actively work to bring that about. And having lanes just for expensive cars will help.”
Asked exactly which cars would qualify, Khan stressed that “Audi or above” was only a nickname, and in fact some of the smaller Audis are “frankly a bit chavvy” and would probably be excluded.
“Likewise the smaller BMWs. And older cars of any kind. And obviously ghastly makes like Dacia and Kia, even their so-called ‘top of the range’ models.”
Cars that do qualify, on the other hand, would include “any kind of pointlessly large ‘Chelsea tractor’, especially if it’s being used to take one small child to school half a mile away. And all electric cars - they’re still pretty expensive, which ought to guarantee their owners are the right sort.”
When it was pointed out that BMW drivers are notoriously arrogant, rarely if ever using the mirrors or indicators the manufacturer saw fit to provide them, Khan replied “Well yes, but they’re rich so who cares?”
The UK government has promised loyal voters and other instantaneously flammable backbenchers that it will operationalise the word operationalise in the next 10-12 weeks.
'It represents excellent taxpayer value for money to operationalise words, and this particular operationalisation of a word has only cost £600 million so far. This is a government which delivers on its promises and always does what it says it is going to do. In terms of terms.
'And we are going much further. An increase in the defence budget to 2.5% of GDP means that we will be able to spend £64 billion on delivering our pledge to weaponize the word weaponize.'
bottom of page