Labour to massively expand in-patient mental care for its critics

"For far too long," said a Labour party spokes-shrink, wielding a straight jacket in one hand and a sedative in the other, "British society has been starved of places where our most recalcitrant critics can be locked away to get the long-term psychiatric care they deserve.

"Take the City traders who irrationally sold UK government bonds - simply because they were scared of losing a packet on them.

"Well, they're just asking for trouble doing that, aren't they? From now on, we'll be sending Treasury bureaucrats into the dealing rooms to certify all those selling off UK bonds to be paranoid schizophrenics. Then they'll be locked up in the shiny new mental health units we're building until they promise to buy every single bond we issue. 

"And from now on, anyone making cheap gags about Rachel Reeves getting her education at the London Infant School of Economics can expect two years minimum of tender love and care from our specially-trained teams of Nurse Ratchetts, with no chance of parole.

"And that goes for members of the public who've been telling pollsters on the streets they won't vote Labour again.

"We as a government are desperately trying to get the economy growing and to stop making appalling blunders. The last thing we need is people asking out loud why we're so useless.

"You want to have go at us? Just try it, sunshine. See how many people can hear you ranting from inside a padded cell." 

image from pixabay

Choosing your hospital – a patient’s guide

If you’ve made it past your GP (well done) and a battery of tests, and you’ve got medical support for an operation, then Good News!  You can now choose where to have your NHS operation, and you are guaranteed a choice of at least five hospitals.

Here’s how it works:

You can go to your nearest NHS hospital.   For reasons to do with economies of scale and budgetary constraints, it’s 10–15 miles away.  Various transport options are available, but it would be brilliant if you could drive.   Convenient for you, and twenty to fifty quid in parking charges for the hospital.  Its clinical ratings are average, if you ignore the maternity scandal.

You can go to your next nearest NHS hospital, which is 15-30 miles away.  The only transport option is to drive.   Why would there be public transport to a hospital 30 miles away?   The clinical ratings are average, if you ignore the organ harvesting scandal.

Your third, fourth and fifth choices are all a long way away.  You will need to book a hotel.  The clinical ratings are average if you ignore (a) the doctor that was on Panorama and got struck off, (b) the damage done by collapsing ceilings because of RAAC cement and (c) any problems caused by understaffing and underqualified North Korean doctors.

And we’ve spent a lot of money on a new NHS App, so that you can make your choice quickly and easily using your mobile phone.  If you can use one in your condition.  See you soon!

PS: Have you thought about going private?   Hungary and Turkey are both good, and very affordable for self-funders.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Government achieves substantial growth in the can-kicking industry

The British can-kicking industry is booming – after a kick-start from the government. Critics say that it would be much cheaper to ship the cans to China, for them to be kicked there using forced labour. And savings would be even greater if China also supplied the cans. The debate about whether we should export the cans for kicking or preserve our own can-kicking industry, probably by inviting immigrants to come and kick them for us, continues.

Although he has not yet set up a Can Kicking Czar, Keir Starmer has already declared a series of milestones, to measure the progress of the cans in their trajectory. He is understood to have also created an equal opportunities monitoring committee, to ensure diversity in the cans being kicked – large, small, steel and aluminium cans – and among the kickers – women, men, and undecided. And there is a health-and-safety committee to assess the risk of the can going in the wrong direction and hitting someone.

However, there are still questions about funding. Who's going to supply the can, and the boots for the kicker? Which can company will get the lucrative contract to supply the can, and the boots? And what about the long grass? Where should it be? In London as usual? Or would regional long grass better deliver levelling up?

When praised for his 'can do' attitude, one government minister said, 'Those who can kick cans do, and those who cannot kick cans set up commissions to study who might be kicked into action as can-kickers.'

[ Hat-tip to deskpilot ]