top of page
Search

Government warns Newsbiscuit contributors to be extra careful if travelling to USA



It seems that the Yanks are detaining people from countries, which a few months ago it regarded as friends, but who now look at them in a funny way; or they imagine might; then sending them back home in chains, despite import tariffs meaning the cost of chains has gone up by 25%.


The word on the street, is they are likely to be examining social media posting histories from the moment their flight takes off; and anyone found to have posted something that could be construed as less than devoted to the MAGA cause will be met on the airport tarmac by a bunch of thugs and be treated like Hannibal Lecture-Theatre, until such time the Proud Boys and Oaf Keepers have finished with them, before being sent home on Ryanair.


Newsbiscuit sought the advice of Professor M. Odelmaker, who for the price of a pint of Olde and Filthye, told us it is less likely to affect pensioners, who are unlikely to be carrying them new-fangled smartphones, the system will be using to search their posting history on, but if helps to deter the wankers who block his local Waitrose aisles, as they gawp incessantly at them with, it can only be a good thing.




New government post - Minister for Whatever was Recently on Telly



The government announced today that it was creating a new ministry, complete with its own building in Whitehall, to deal with any issues recently raised by a hard-hitting TV drama.


“Now I know what you’re going to say - policy-making shouldn’t be dictated by television programmes,” said Toby Shirtsleeves, the first Minister for Whatever was Recently on Telly. “But on the other hand… well, the thing you have to realise… yes, I think we need to come up with a better answer for this before we go public.”


An early plan to site the ministry within Broadcasting House, in the hope they would get wind of programmes while they were still being made rather than waiting for them to be shown, was nixed on the grounds that it’s never the BBC that makes these programmes anyway.


Critics have suggested this reactive approach to policy-making might mean that certain issues, like teenage boys falling prey to toxic online “influencers” or sub-postmasters being wrongly accused of fraud, receive more government attention than, say, the amount of sewage pumped into our rivers and seas by negligent water companies.


“Yes, I think the nation’s screenwriters have really dropped the ball on that one,” agreed Shirtsleeves. “They need to be more proactive - don’t wait for someone to commission you, just write the thing and submit it to everyone you can find. How else will we ever get to the point where the government is pressured into doing the bare minimum to make it look like we’re taking it seriously?”


Some have said this whole approach is symptomatic of a populist government that never looks beyond the next day’s headlines, leading Shirtsleeves to reply “Are you sure? I didn’t see anything about it on telly.”




Labour to impose a supertax on bingo



Government sources have confirmed that the government is running out of ways to scar the poor, penalise the old and disenfranchise the disabled.  Despite all their best efforts they have raped, pillaged and censored the weak and the worthy alike.  Their last, best hope is to raise the taxes on bingo halls, targeting the lower paid and most easily distracted elements in society.


'It is well known that the lower paid, the under-educated and those who seek inexpensive light relief from caring duties like to spend time in bingo halls.  They are our target victims - er - audience, so we will make their miserable lives more miserable.  It's the least we can do, and the least is definitely what we want to do,' said a government spokesman today.


bottom of page