Police say gang responsible for Brink’s-Mat robbery could be behind Lurpak butter theft

A raid on a convenience store at Heathrow’s International Trading Estate could be the work of the same gang who carried out the Brink’s-Mat gold bullion raid back in 1983, sources at The Met have confirmed.

Police say the armed gang overpowered security guards at the store and threatened to pour petrol over them if they did not reveal where the crisps and chocolate were being kept.

It is thought that before entering the store, the gang had no idea Lurpak was being kept at the premises overnight and had originally targeted a delivery of Pringles and a family size bucket of Cadbury Easter Eggs.

But upon entering the store, the gang could not believe their luck.

Following a tip-off from a security guard that there could be Lurpak in the back of the fridge, the gang turned their attention to a row of chillers located at the rear of the store. The store manager estimated that over 100 tubs of Lurpak were seized during the raid.

Food experts say the golden tubs of butter could be melted down and turned into other food products that look and taste similar to Lurpak and could be sold through underground food outlets across the UK.

Police are asking hardware stores to report any unusual sales of saucepans, frying pans and any other kitchen utensils that could be used for melting down Danish dairy products. Undercover officers are also monitoring high volume sales of crumpets and hot-cross buns.

The butter is estimated to have a street value of around £26m, similar to that of the gold bars taken during the raid of 1983.

Remarkably, the Pringles remained untouched.

‘They are a ruthless and highly organised gang of criminals who will stop at nothing to get their hands on a tub of Lurpak,’ said Met officer Rachel Castle. ‘The public are asked to be vigilant, but under no circumstances should they approach the gang. If you see anybody with butter or anything that looks like butter dribbling down their chin, then please contact the 24hr emergency helpline. This gang must to be stopped. We need to get a lid on this sort of thing before it spreads any further.'

Lloyds of London say a substantial reward will be paid for any information leading to the capture of the gang and the safe return of the butter.

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MPs hoping to get big, gold medals for lying

Now that a substantial number of serving MPs are staring down the barrel of a pantomime gun with a banner hanging down saying 'P45' where trationally 'bang' would go, they are deciding on 'micro-qualifications' to help enable them to re-enter the job market, and medals for service have been suggested. Many of these MPs, who appear to be mainly supportive of right wing ideology, are finding potential employers have difficulty in determining what their skill sets actually are. Much like the electorate now, apparently.

One MP who is certain his tenure in the House of Commons is coming to an end said today, 'they agree I can talk about stuff, can be scathing about people who are in unfortunate positions and accept I want a big budget wage, but most have the head of HR job filled and don't need any more bastards in their organisations,' he pointed out.

Another commented on the medals, hoping they were to be made from pure gold and would be the size of dustbin lids, but privately just hoped the wads of notes in brown paper packages would continue to be pushed through his front door every thursday after he loses his seat. 'It's not like £84k plus £200k expenses are worth the effort - it's the backhanders, innit?' he said today.

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Why not look at some of our books?

New clause added to government fuel payments loan

Tory scientists have informed the chancellor that each human body contains 0.2mg of gold plus numerous other precious trace elements. As a consequence, anyone taking advantage of the fuel loan is now obliged to sign a form that allows the government to melt their body down to extract the bullion it contains in the event they default on the loan repayments.

Babies under three months have more gold in their hair than older people. This comes from their mother’s breast milk and can reach double the average concentration of gold in Earth’s crust, so it's been suggested by the Home Secretary that the elderly may wish to babysit their grandchildren more frequently and hand them over if their pensions don't cover the loan repayments.

Labour has opposed this move, saying there's enough gold in human excrement for the chancellor to recover if he's prepared to rummage around in it to get his money back.

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