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Jesus Returns to Earth for MaccieDs



Chowing down on a Filet-O-Fish and the odd loaf, Jesus today confirmed he had returned to Earth for a MaccieDs.


Commenting on speculation of a permanent return, Jesus denied such drastic action, ‘I’ve got it good in Heaven. Only problem is, God’s so lenient, staff hardly ever show up for work, which is a real pain when you want a takeaway. I’ve tried to talk Him into investing into those self-service stations but he wants to be seen as a people person, so for the moment it’s a no go.’



Musk Demands God's Resignation



Citing what he called God’s insufficient support of American president Donald Trump’s agenda, Elon Musk has sent the Supreme Being a letter demanding his resignation within 30 days. The letter, signed by a Musk representative, states that ‘‘if you [God] resign within the specified time period, you will be paid through the end of the calendar year. However, if you refuse to do so, we cannot guarantee your continued employment in any capacity, and your pension will be at risk.’


The Musk representative’s letter lists a number of God’s ‘deficiencies,’ including his ‘failure to eliminate - through the use of plague, famine, or other suitable means - unfriendly federal judges, satirical websites, and Democrats.’ The letter goes on to criticize God for ‘blowing up an excessive number of Mr. Musk’s rockets and cars,’ as well as ‘providing only lackluster support for the Trump Bible sales campaign.’


The letter puts God in a very difficult position according to Alfred Newman, Associate Professor of Supernatural Career Development at the University of Notre Dame. ‘Like many mid-career professionals, God will likely find it difficult to start over in this rapidly changing economy,’ Newman said. ‘While he can probably be retrained for a job in the tech industry, many employers will hesitate to hire a being powerful enough to have created the universe,’ Newman noted. ‘They fear potential discipline problems and other supervisory challenges,’ he explained.


The Union of Significant Deities has rallied to God’s defence, condemning Musk’s letter in the strongest terms. ‘Sure, God can be a bit stuffy at times,’ noted Osiris, who currently holds the union’s rotating presidency. ‘But we’re not going to let some Nazi rando push him around.’ Osiris said that he has had to restrain some of the more hotheaded gods from taking reckless retaliation. ‘Zeus, god love him, wants to split Musk open with blue bolts of lightning,’ Osiris noted, ‘but his eyesight has gotten pretty bad, and his aim is even worse after he’s been drinking.’


Instead, Osiris is counselling patience for now. ‘I can’t discuss the future with mere mortals,’ he told reporters, ‘but let’s just say we’ve slipped a few jokers into Musk’s deck.’


A Musk representative declined - in a remarkably offensive manner - to respond to a reporter’s questions. God has been contacted for comment.



God's memo concerning the Xmas Party


Dear Heavenly Beings and Sales Team,


I hope we can avoid some of the issues we had with last year's exuberant and spirited (no pun intended) gathering. We can all agree we had one Hell of a time – and that, I think, is part of the problem. I fear, in the aftermath of all that merrymaking, we may have broken one or two commandments. Remember...


1. Thou shalt be patient: I know 40 years is a long time to wait for nibbles, but I do not appreciate Moses heckling the kitchen staff.


2. Thou shalt avoid inappropriate comments: Asking Jesus when his birthday is, is not funny. And is not funny the twentieth time.


3. Thou shalt not steal office supplies: It took a dozen knights to find the pilfered Holy Grail. And I like a joke as much as the next man, but where have you put the Holy Ghost?


4. Thou shalt maintain confidentiality: If someone confesses their sins, even after a dozen pints, that does not give you the right to scrawl it on a toilet walls. I'm looking at you, Peter.


5. Thou shalt refrain from excessive revelry: We are now out of Altar wine and have been forced to use the Sacramental Cider.


6. Thou shalt not engage in workplace relationships: I know Mary was 14, but that does not give you the right to chase the cherubs.


7. Thou shalt enjoy the Quiz: But I do not appreciate the team name – 'Quiz on God's T$ts'


8. Thou shalt wear a festive jumper: I know, it's technically Satan's invention, but let's just power through, okay?


9. Thou shalt not ruin Secret Santa. By telling everyone who St. Nick is. Please.


10. Thou shalt be dignified: Not all souls need to be ar-souls.


Thank you for your attention and cooperation.


Sincerely,


God

cc Buddha



Picture credit: Wix AI

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