Govt ministers doing TV round will ditch facts in favour of barefaced lies

It's being reported today government ministers doing daily TV studio rounds will no longer seek to defend the catastrophic shambles they call governance. Instead, they will simply tell barefaced lies on policy and performance.

First in to bat was Home Secretary, James Cleverly. Is that still his job?

Without even a sightly shifty sideways glance, he insisted all legacy asylum cases have now been dealt with one hundred percent as per the party's previous claim, regardless of what factchecking agencies say.

When challenged that his statement was nothing more than a laughable attempt to cook the books, Cleverly stuck his fingers in his ears and said: ''Tizn't, tizn't tizn't. It's  jolly well true... so there.'

Further scepticism only drew a double down response: 'We've done it. Yes, believe me, I should know because I'm a government minister, and we've now decided on the Cabinet WhatsApp group that anything we say is true.

'Therefore, I'm also delighted to be able to announce the 7 million plus NHS waiting list has now been trimmed down to a single Scunthorpe man called Alan, and that's just an ingrowing toenail op. We are clearly the most competent government this country has ever seen.'

Photo by Austin Distel on Unsplash

Pol Pot to host Good Morning Britain

Following a long line of illustrious war criminals asked to host the show, the dead dictator said he was delighted to rejuvenate his image while chatting about fluff. His agent said: 'Anecdotes about mass graves are just some of the top bantz Pol can bring to the job. Alistair Campbell really opened the door on that one, nudge, nudge, wink, wink.'

It is not the first time that Susanna Reid has been forced to share a studio with a colossal bell end, but at least this one is not married to Yvette Cooper. Richard Madeley is said to be disappointed to have been overlooked for the role, but he does not have Pol's likeability.

An ITV executive said: 'We've been accused of whitewashing the reputations of crooks and killers but that was Britain's Got Talent'

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Fears grow as Ben the flowerpot man reported missing

Ben: pictured here in happier times

Kiddies TV favourite, Ben the Flowerpot Man, one half of iconic showbiz duo, Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men, has stunned BBC top brass by going missing just days before their new series is to air.

We're all gutted,' said one insider. 'We've ploughed a lot of money and hard graft into the new show, and now we've had to pull their appearance on BBC Breakfast tomorrow. It's a choker.'

Newsbiscuit understands the troubled star had been "down in the dumps" on the set recently. Speaking to reporters this evening and visibly shaken, co-star Bill said: 'Uddap buddap slobbadap. Buddap buddap pobbledap.' before being led away in tears, clearly too distraught to carry on.

Little Weed, longtime girlfriend to both stars, something that has led to rumours of all the three living in an open relationship, has yet to break her silence.

But in a long showbiz career this isn't the first time the terracotta twosome have hit the headlines. Many may remember, back in the seventies they were detained at Heathrow for being in possession of four bags of John Innes Potting Compost after getting off a flight from Ibiza.