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COP26 ended by Patel raid for suspected foreigners

Updated: Jan 12, 2022


Despite COP26 taking place in Scotland and it not being her patch, Home Secretary Priti Patel has led a raid on a Glasgow conference centre. Directing the charge into the main hall, a wide-eyed and moderately salivating Patel pointed at anyone not looking or sounding entirely British. Border Force officials operating completely within the remit of new 'buildings suspected of containing foreigners' laws rushed through parliament last week, set about the crowds like windmilling baton machines.


Some viewers were said to be 'horrified' and 'couldn't understand why delegates were not being bludgeoned on a basis of their clearly labelled lanyards stating which country they were form.'


One transfixed viewer commented, 'It was a total bloodbath. An army of Border Force tough guys set about the crowds like they were clubbing baby seals. It's probable some genuine Brits were caught up in it all, but that's their own fault for associating with those sorts.'


The raid was described by a Conservative Party spokes-toff as. 'Possibly not the best look for an international conference on saving the planet, but it should go down very well with Conservatives on the south coast. As long as they know unnecessary harm is being inflicted on suspected foreigners, then they are happy. And that's the most important thing here.'


Boris Johnson was claimed to have expressed surprise at the raid. 'I thought the Home Secretary was supposed to clean the house and make my dinner?'


In what was clearly an unpleasant atmosphere of choking smirkiness, events took an ironic turn when in the ensuing frenzy Priti Patel herself was accidentally deported.






COP26: 'Behold, for I am the saviour of the world' Johnson heard claim

Updated: Nov 28, 2021


It has been claimed Boris Johnson has personally taken credit for saving the world from falling into the abyss following the underwhelming conclusion to the COP26 conference in Glasgow.


'I did it. It was all me, Doomsters and gloomsters say it's a bad result, but I simply say piffle and nonsense. Look, on an auspicious day like today, it's an amazing victory, one which would never have been won were it not for my amazing ability to get the job done.' a cock-a-hoop Mr Johnson was overheard boasting.


Mr Johnson’s spokesman explained: 'How did he do it? Well, once again he’s simply lying through his teeth, and as he told Alok: do the same if anyone asks any tricky questions. It's been a proven winning strategy.


'In a few weeks' time when the world realises just exactly what has been achieved, it will be too late. But significantly, the PM won't give two hoots, because you see, he'll have had the bounce from this in the popularity polls and the idiotic British electorate will think he’s fab again.


'Then all he need do is lie completely doggo for a couple of years, pop up again in time for the next general election; hide in a few fridges while on the campaign trail, speak to no one dangerous in the media, and simply tell massive whoppers one after another at rallies. That's certain to see him returned for a second term.'






BlahBlahBlah26 angry at Greta Thunberg for claiming that COP26 attendees just go 'blah blah blah'

Updated: Nov 22, 2021




BlahBlahBlah26 organisers have taken Greta Thunberg to task for diverting attention away from their own gibberish.


David Medium, BlahBlahBlah26’s originator, said at a press conference:


"For 26 years now, we have been meeting in a small hotel in Glasgow with the specific purpose of saying nothing but ‘blah blah blah’ to each other. It is a friendly, safe event where otherwise uninteresting middle managers can meet, eat biscuits and communicate to each other with just one word. At first it feels weird, then funny, then oddly relaxing, which is why we love it.


We don’t have much of a marketing budget and rely largely word of mouth to get our message across. So you can imagine our annoyance when an international celebrity like Greta Thunberg gets up and falsely announces that all the COP26 attendees are just going ‘blah blah blah’. Really Greta? We don’t think so. They are politicians and climate scientists. It is highly likely that they are at least talking about clouds. If you want to just say, 'blah blah blah', then come to the experts. We know how to do it properly."


Mr. Medium had more to say on the matter but he was dramatically interrupted by Bill Darlington of StickThingsUpYourArse26 who brought things to a rapid close with an unrepeatable gesture that we have been advised by our lawyers to never mention.














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