Ofsted inspectors to be trained in self defence

Following the announcement by Gillian Keegan, Education Secretary that she would probably have punched an Ofsted inspector if they’d been rude to her, the agency has taken the unusual step of training its inspectors in martial arts.

‘Ms Keegan is known to be a bit touchy’, a spokesman told us. ‘We’ve advised our inspectors to tell her that she’s doing a “bloody good job” if they ever meet her. At the same time they should follow their training – keep a safe distance, adopt a small stance with hands ready and scan the room for anything which could be used as an improvised weapon’.

The likelihood of an inspector actually meeting Ms Keegan is tiny – that would require her to visit a school – but there are fears that some headteachers might take the comment as a green light to take out their frustrations on visiting inspectors.

‘Our insurance premiums have trebled’, the spokesman said. ‘Between crumbling school buildings and homicidal secretaries of state we’re paying a fortune in insurance. I only entered the profession because I saw an old St Trinian’s movie. The reality is nothing like that. Might go back to working the doors on nightclubs. Much safer’.

image from pixabay

Tory charm offensive '50% successful' claims spokesman

'We've been working on a long-game strategy, building a charm offensive,' said a Conservative spokesman today.  'Lee Anderson, obviously was our secret weapon,' he said to surprised journalists.  'Everyone agrees he's a weapon, so that's halfway there,' he added.  'Victoria Atkins, obviously is a new secret weapon, replacing a long Conservative tradition of fielding weapons as Health Secretary.  We think Gillian Keegan has demonstrated enough natural weaponry to justify being seconded to the MoD for weapon trials,' he crowed.

'So, our charm offensive is well on the way to 50% success,' he said.  'Practically everyone considers us offensive, we've just got to try and work out how to bring charm to the table,' he added.

Image: Newsbiscuit

War criminals aside, Gillian Keegan is the most annoying person

Uniting Arab, Jew and newly qualified teachers, Keegan has established herself as the one person everyone would like to see convicted of crimes against education.

Not so much dangerous, as she is frustratingly bothersome, the Education Secretary is the answer to the question - what would Dolores Umbridge and Miss Trunchbull be like, if they were less empathetic?

In a world ravaged by the worst atrocities ever, nothing can compare to the sheer level of dumb to come out of Keegan's mouth. Even the Israeli PM admitted that although he would bomb the odd school or hospital, he would never build them with aerated concrete.

Her current plan to remove the right to strike from teachers has been greeted with all the enthusiasm as a fart in a lift. Her aide said: 'Every day is a school day - which is why we'll be getting rid of all the holidays as well.'

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