The end is in sight for the '1000 year Rish'

At its peak the Tori empire stretched from the sunlit Sussex uplands to the frozen wastes of the Red, White and Blue Wall. Now all has turned to ashes as the Starmer Steamroller and the Reform barbarian hordes converge to crush the few remaining pockets of resistance.

Even when the ruling junta had trumpeted it had ‘taken back control’, it was undermined by a constant series of daring commando-type raids by the legendary cross-Channel Small Boats flotilla, some ironically from Dunkirk. And the plummeting of morale has led to the once-disciplined officer elite now being dubbed ‘The Deserting Rats’

Der Sunak is now trapped in a bunker deep below Downing Street. He has tried to rally his (very) few remaining troops with promises of new ‘wonder miracle’ policies, such as compulsory conscription for seven-year olds, an octuplet pension lock and reduced taxation for multi-billionaires. He has also been working on an inspirational speech that begins “We will fight them on the beaches (unless there is a clashing TV interview)”.

Der Sunak refuses to accept defeat, and has vowed to continue the struggle from a mountain redoubt in California. It is rumoured that there is a U-Turn boat moored at Westminster, packed with gold and umbrellas ready to whisk him away when the inevitable happens.

Image: TheDigitalArtist - Pixabay

Team Sunak spend D-Day rewriting CVs

Political advisors who were once jubilant at being chosen to be part of the Prime Minister’s election campaign team have spent the day attempting to delete any association with Rishi Sunak after his massive D-Day faux pas.

One Spad told Newsbiscuit he had altered his CV to pretend he spent this period of his career in prison for drowning kittens to make it appear better to prospective employers than to be truthful.

'Sorry PM, I know I should be coming with you to help shore up the Tory vote in Yawnfest-Under-Shitwater, but I've got a job interview.'

Image: Newsbiscuit

H/T sirlupus

Buy your election air fresheners now!

Are you finding the election coverage a bit stuffy? Is something irritating you? Does something not smell quite right?

You need our special pack of election air fresheners!

We have six different kinds:

The dark blue one – this is our strongest air freshener. Poo on beaches, the awful smell of ill people you get in hospitals, burning cladding, the morning-after-the-partygate-before smell, the whiff of arrogant hypocracy – this super strong air freshener will deal with all of this, and more.

The red one – this one doesn’t smell of anything at all.  You can sniff as hard as you like.   Some people think that they can detect a very subtle scent, but they’re kidding themselves.  It smells of absolutely nothing.

The green one – this is a glorious combination of smells – pine, the inside of your recycling bin, bat poo.  All with the exciting tang of LGBTQ+.  It definitely doesn’t smell of carbon dioxide.

The light blue one – not a subtle fragrance – exactly the opposite, in fact.   People tell us that the aroma changes according to your location.  Sometimes it smells of pavements cleaned with disinfectant.  Sometimes it smells of beer (usually a pint of bitter).   Sometimes it smells of opportunism.  Sometimes it smells just like the dark blue one.

The scottish one – this one smells of heather, thistles, aberdeen angus cattle, sporrans that have been aged in oak barrels, and batter.   Why not buy one for your motorhome?

The yellowy-orange one – this one smells of small children laughing in the playground.   It’s a light-hearted aroma, not a serious one.  Perhaps this scent would work best in combination with one of the others?

All six for fifty quid, because our generosity nose no bounds.   GB only.  Not available in Northern Ireland.  Not a toy.  Keep away from children (not a warning, just advice).  Offer ends 4th July 2024.

image from pixabay