Most popular MP Facebook statuses by party

Conservative:  "I bet I lose my seat in the next election"

Labour:  "Sorry, you won't have heard of me, but I'm your next MP"

Reform:  "My struggle against 14 and a half years of Tory lies, stupidity and cowardice"

Lib Dem:  "Councillors can be MPs too!"

Green:  "Green is the new Red"

SNP:  "They may take our lives, but they will never take OUR FREEDOM! Lend us a tenner for stamps...""

Plaid Cymru:  [Something unintelligible with no vowels]

DUP:  "My good friend Gordon says homosexuality is ungodly."

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Tories to shake up the NHS with the return of the 'wise woman'

Snivelling guttersnipe, Roland Rat-alike and current Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, will delight the Tory faithful today, with a promise of re-introducing Wise Women to the NHS.

'Hospitals and GPs are very expensive,' Sunak will tell party faithful in a speech later today. 'The Conservative Party will shake up the NHS, by putting a shrivelled old crone in a hovel, in every village, in every part of the country.'

'Their knowledge of the flora and fauna of the countryside will be more than enough to treat almost all common ailments. This will lead to a reduction in waiting lists and far fewer people needing hospital treatment, but requiring more undertakers. Hospitals will be freed up to treat diseases of affluence, including gout, alcoholism and proper diabetes.'

Labour Leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has ridiculed the policy, saying that there aren't enough affordable hovels, or trained Wise Women, and that Britain will have to source them from overseas; places like the Isle of Wight, The Farne Islands and islands in boating lakes in Britain's larger parks.'

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Farage fury at Reform candidate's lack of racist social media posts

A Reform UK spokesman adjusted his police mandated ankle tag before bellowing 'Our party has a rich history of racism. As Nigel said, most people are racists, so why not cut out the middle man and vote for us.'

'Disappointingly, some Reform candidates have only been publicly spewing hate in the dim and distant past - as far back in archaeological time as 2022 in some cases. Saying Hitler had some good ideas is on brand for us, but that post needs to have been made within the last year, otherwise you're basically part of the woke agenda destroying Britain. Why do you hate Britain so much eh?'

Asked about Rishi Sunak's hasty D-Day retreat, the spokesman spat contemptuously 'Here at Reform UK, we believe that fascism is a core British Value. We venerate all those soldiers that gave their lives on D-Day, defending fascism.'

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