Historic victory for 'meh'

With the majority of UK voters staying at home, Labour has swept to victory on a wave of apathy, astride the surf board of regret. Their gamble paid off, that although they were hated, the Tories were hated more. With reported election fever just being trapped wind.

In a triumph of the least worst option, Labour now hoped to deliver on their promise of no hope. They set out a bold vision of winning and then counting down the clock until the big pension kicks in.

Sir Keir wasted no time in becoming vilified, something most PMs take a few wars to become. He told a packed audience that he would never knowingly meet their expectations and would always strive to seem bald on the inside. Crowds of upwards of five people, held up placards demanding change. To which Starmer said he would - but only his socks - and then only once a fortnight.

MP fury at not being famous enough to be a Portillo moment

Michael Tomlinson has taken to Twitter to express his anger at being left off of "Portillo moment" lists.

'I am a minister of state and as such losing my seat should be a big moment of the election. I've been privately coaching the Labour candidate to mouth 'oh gosh!' when it happens.'

When Mr Tomlinson was reminded that he was the Minister of State for Countering Illegal Migration he responded, 'Oh bugger, that's me is it?'

Man discovers there's an election on

Mike Davies, forty-two from Northwich, has just discovered that he is expected to vote today.

'Nobody told me the government had called an election, there wasn't anything in the newspapers apart from a few cryptic headlines, and apparently I must have junked the polling card into the recycling because I haven't seen it anywhere,' he said today.

Despite claiming to be politically active, Mr Davies says his wife hadn't mentioned anything and as she had double-booked all his normal Conservative Association meetings for the last month he hadn't been anywhere near the club.  'I'm sure someone would have mentioned it if I'd popped in,' he said.

Mike claims to being 'quite tech savvy' but unfortunately his WhatsApp messages and groups seem to have been lost, as have all his email and phone contacts.  His wife, who is a tech consultant, is trying to retrieve all his data and has loaned him a brick phone until she gets his up and running.

'It's taken an age but she's very busy, she's out walking a lot in that orange tabard she's taken to wearing when out and about - hi viz I guess, safety first - and has been delivering leaflets advertising community events or something.  She reckons she'll have my phone sorted by Friday, so I'll be able to check the results then.  Meanwhile I need to work out how to get to my polling station, which apparently is one hundred and sixteen miles away and she's booked to take her mum out all day leaving me carless.

'Never mind, I'll get there and vote Tory as usual.  I'm sure she's sorted something out for herself,' he said.