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BillClay
May 24

10 Reasons to vote Conservative – Number 4 will shock you!



1) Diversity in Prime Ministers, don’t just vote for Another-White-Man, we have incompetent leaders of different genders and races


2) Experience in Prime Ministers, we have had five different Prime Ministers within the last 8 years and Labour haven’t had one since 2010, that’s the “I Got a Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas time period


3) Responsibility – the decent British mentality of if you broke it, you fix it. We wouldn’t want to leave all the problems we caused for someone else to clean up.


4) If you don’t, we will kill a puppy every hour, on the hour


5) You fear change. Change is bad and scary, stick with what you know, unless what you know is a union of European countries.


6) Blue Passports – You’re welcome


7) Trade deal with Peru – can’t you feel the sovereignty?


8) Availability of Food Banks – so many new ones are opening all the time


9) An aim to reduce some of the faecal matter in some of the waterways – achievable goals!


10) New Hospitals! New School Roofs! Dental care! We want them too and have already got private versions. None for you. Soz.




Walter Eagle
May 23

President Whitmore's speech from 'Independence Day'



Good afternoon.


In less than an hour politicians from here will join others from around the country and you will be launching the largest electoral battle in the history of the United Kingdom.


"United". That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that the chosen date is the 4th of July and you will once again be fighting for our freedom - not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution but from Conservatism.


We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist, and should we win, that day the 4th of July will no longer be known as an American holiday but as the day when the UK declared in one voice,


“We will not go to the back of the NHS queue. We will not let the water companies pollute our rivers. We’re going to live. We’re going to care. Today we celebrate our Independence Day!”




Writer's pictureGranger
May 16

Race on for Tories' choice of GE campaign song

News has leaked that the Tories have set up a new secret think tank, known as W-Tank, under the chairmanship of William Hague. Its task is to select the campaign song to lead the Party to victory in the upcoming general election.


Hague began with the amusing story that during his campaign he had to order all his team to remove from their mobile ringtones the theme from Mission Impossible. Think positive was the order of the day but songs like We Are The Champions & Simply The Best were dismissed as too clichéd and easily stolen by Labour. Likewise Won't Get Fooled Again, though everyone liked the line, Meet the new boss – same as the old boss.


Cameron's personal suggestion, Coward of the County was immediately ruled out when someone read the lyrics. One member was deeply disappointed when his suggestion Hole in the Ground was deemed too niche.


Then a buss of excitement swept the room. Yes! people said, retro-ironic enough for the yoof vote and perfect for the core pensioners. Speculation broke out over whether they could be thawed out from a cryogenic chamber or if the scratchy old vinyls would be OK. One member said he knew of a company in Rwanda which could produce shiny new remasters on state-of-the-art CDs.


Whatever, the firm favourite pro tem is Miki & Griff's version of A Little Bitty Tear Let Me Down.




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