BBC bookers express relief at Farage's latest attempt to become MP

Nigel Farage, the 21st century's Oswald Moseley, is planning his 85th run to be a Westminster MP, much to the relief of the BBC's political bookers.

'Phew' said one 'Now we can have Nige on everything, all the time, as normal. He can have his usual chair on Newsnight and Question Time. He can present Have I Got News For You and the 10 o'clock news and a maybe a few travel and quiz shows as well.'

'We were worried that we would have to book people who can string a sentence together without some xenophobic soundbites. Or worse, someone with progressive views. It's a good job there have never been any Green MPs. Ever. Not on Newsnight anyway.'

'If you think it's weird that we constantly book someone with the electoral success rate of Count Binface, but without the brains, charisma or morality, you have to remember that Farage is box office. Toxic, poisonous, racist box office, full of more effluent than the River Thames.'

'You'd want to have a pint with him, but only so that you can glass him.'

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Trick to surviving general election madness is making fists with your toes

Already utterly exasperated with the utter w@nk being churned out by politicians and news media? Us too.

The trick to surviving it is to take your shoes and socks off and walk around on the rug barefoot, making fists with your toes. Who knew?

And then maybe blow the sh*t out of Nakatomi Plaza.

image from pixabay

Scalextric range of Battlebus vehicles in high demand

Hamleys are reporting record queues as children and their dads hope Christmas will come early for them if they can get their hands on a set of Scalextric battlebuses to bring some excitement into what promises to be a somewhat mediocre election campaign.

We sent a work experience reporter to Hamleys flagship Regent Street store to check out how the battlebuses perform on the test track the store had set up. He told us that everyone wanted to play with the red Labour one, because it was bound to win, that the blue Tory one moved at the speed of a hearse and that nobody could work out why the satanic dark Reform UK one would only go backwards.

The orange Lib Dem bus had a tendency to change track all the time and the Green Party was represented by a group of protesters placed at random positions on the track to slow the race down.

A spokesbrat for ToyszoWus told Newsbiscuit of their disappointment that Scalextric hadn’t introduced the battlebus range before they went bust as it may have saved them.

Image from pixabay