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VAR to be introduced for elections


Following a record-breaking(ly stupid) petition calling for Britain’s 2024 general election to be rerun, it has been suggested that all future elections be subject to VAR.


The system, introduced in Premier League football a few years ago, has proved a joy killer, resulting in fans no longer celebrating when their team scores as they know it may be overturned. The nation waits with a sense of impending doom to see the same idea applied to something already as utterly joyless as a general election.


The other complaint about VAR, that it doesn’t really make decisions less subjective because the people reviewing the video footage are also human, may also apply here. For example, it’s been asked exactly what might cause VAR to declare an election result invalid and demand it be rerun.


'Well, for example, if the losing side said the winners had lied and their supporters were stupid to believe them,' said one proponent of the plan, before realising that happens at literally every election (and referendum).


In short, it’s an expensive, poorly thought through distraction from the real issues that will make worse the very problem it claims to solve. So it’s almost certain to be given the go ahead.


'All that remains is to find a company with no relevant experience or technology (but owned by a major party donor) to give the contract to.'


General Election result may, or may not, demonstrate a Brexit benefit



Political experts are arguing about whether the recent British general election does, or does not, demonstrate the delivery of a ‘Brexit benefit’.


One faction argues that there is a demonstrable Brexit benefit, because a significant political change at the election was achieved without riots, arson, burning cars and smashed up police stations. They argue that Brexit has allowed Britain to distance itself from the political excitabilities often seen in Europe.  The disturbances in France, after their recent election, for example.


The opposing faction argues that there is no Brexit benefit. They say that the more sanguine approach of the Brits to political change has been part of the national character for a long time.  They argue that the so-called benefit was there before we joined the EU, during our membership, and after Brexit. 


Both factions are, however, agreed that the current status quo may be tested by the recent election of a small number of hard right MPs. They are concerned that the hard right might wish to underline their political views with some ‘spontaneous’ riots.  Even if this does then invite comparisons with politics in foreign countries…




14-year-old experiences strange new sensation called hope




A 14 year-old girl from Cheshire approached her mother this morning after experiencing strange new feelings she had never felt before.


Josy Hinde from Crewe told her mum, 'Since I woke up on Friday morning, I've been feeling really odd. I feel like a darkness has lifted, and the corners of my mouth sort of turned up a bit. Now and then, I catch myself humming. I'm really scared, mum. What's wrong with me?'


'Don't worry, love,' replied her mum. 'It's something called hope. No one under the age of 15 will have felt it before. But now many of you will. Some people have been going around taking everyone's hope for the future from them and saying it's impossible to do good things because it would cost too much. But it was never true. It was always possible, they just thrived off making everyone else scared and miserable like themselves. No one can explain it, but they were absolutely adamant that the children weren't our future.'


'Do I need to see a doctor?'


'Nah, you'll be fine, Jose. When the corners of your mouth turn up like that, it's called happiness. I know it feels weird at first, but it's a good thing. Speak to your friends at school about it, and you can help each other adjust.'


Photo by Barth Bailey on Unsplash



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