Brits stockpiling their own breath in empty pickle jars

The UK government has told the public not to rush out and buy petrol. Which is code for 'selfish BoJo apologists: panic and get down to your petrol station immediately, or be a total loser who missed out'.

The combination of previously stockpiled toilet paper gathering breezeblock dust in garages alongside rusty Jerry cans sploshed with hastily squirted petrol dribbles, does suggest that there might be an explosive flurry of eruptions in your road if you select the correct bedroom window vantage point and give it a short while. OOh and aah.

But it's not just what Americans call gas which is a looming threat to British society. It has been roundly refuted that there is a shortage of pretty much every gas GCSE science holders can name. Somehow there is at the same time both an oversupply and undersupply of carbon dioxide, which is a testament to just how fast and how impressively this government can completely bollocks up the country.

Clever sausages up and down the land, however, have been breathing into empty gherkin jars. They are at the same time engaging in carbon capture, and providing a future stockpile of their own carbon dioxide which will soon be worth a bomb.

In an unfortunate mix-up at number 47, Jeremy Howard unscrewed the lid of an unlabelled jar to expel his held breath into. But it turned out to be a jar previously used for personal methane collection. Jeremy is said to be in a stable but sour-faced condition.

CO2 Shortage: Government urges people to breathe out more and breathe in less

The fizzy drinks industry can breathe more easily thanks to the latest plans to solve the carbon dioxide crisis, which has meant millions have gone without their fizzy pop thanks to a shortage of nose-tickling bubbles.

Dr A Pepper, an expert in fizzy-ology explained: ‘The current shortage is due to people breathing unfairly. If people would only breathe out at least double the amount they breathed in, then we could squirt more CO2 into bags containing limp salad and make your Cherry Cola (*sings C-O-L-A COLA) as burp-worthy as it was in the good old days. Trouble is breathing in feels good, but everyone knows breathing out causes marital strife due to garlic, onions and curry, so people do it less.’

C02 is also used in the meat industry to stun animals before slaughter. The animals are told that trees breathe out oxygen and breathe in CO2. Animals that understand this surprising apparent reversal of nature are so stunned they don’t notice the sudden appearance of a bloody great bolt gun and go to their maker wondering if they could take GCSE biology.

In an unconnected development famers in Denmark have invented the self-barbecuing cow. The methane connected at the entrance and exit of the bovine alimentary canal is stored in a basic BBQ set up under the cow itself. Once enough gas has been collected the apparatus ignites automatically and the cow is cooked in its own emissions.

Parents relieved: grades of privately educated cherubs CAN be bought after all

A 97% inflation in private school grades has put the minds of rich parents at ease. After years of dismay that their dim spawn might have to suffer equivalent grades to those achieved in the state school system, the private education sector has finally pulled its finger out when it comes to enhancing grades on an industrial scale.

One parent who preferred not to be named snorted, "I was profoundly concerned that having spent tens of thousands on De Pfeffel Jr.'s education, he might not acquire the grades I had paid for. But I am satisfied that this newly invigorated Department of Education has finally come to its senses. In the real world, when I bribe people, I get what I want. De Pfeffel Jr. must learn that he doesn't have to work for anything and can buy his way in or out of whatever he chooses. Like that marvellous chap, Prince Andrew.

A response from the Department of Education stated, "We want to make it perfectly clear that this is in no way unfair. When a pupil cheats on a test in order to receive a higher grade, then that is cheating, and they will be severely punished. When entire private schools of great repute cheat all of their grades, then that is merely ensuring that wealthy parents are getting value for money. Their investments have to pay out, or there might be a perception that private education is unable to offer significant benefits over the state school system. And no one wants to see that."