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The Football Association has told teams that it plans to ban genetically engineered players and to introduce DNA Fair Play rules soon.
A number of Premiership clubs are rumoured to be using genetic engineering techniques to develop the super-players of the future.
Insiders at Manchester United have told us about a secret programme to develop new talent using DNA from George Best, Wayne Rooney and Gary Lineker. The work does not appear to have produce any great footballing talent so far – just some very hairy players, some very bald players, and some very drunken players, and all with a hankering for crisps.
A staff member told us that the DNA wizards Crick and Wilson, who were hired to supervise the secret programme, have quietly been let go.
Hat-tip: Titus
An inflation busting rise to the license fee was deemed necessary, as Mr Lineker has increased his crisp consumption ten fold. Despite cutbacks to the service, costs have spiralled to maintain his lavish taste in ear muffs and to keep Alan Shearer in silk stockings.
Notoriously the BBC's highest earner, he has exclusive use of the secret helipad in the Blue Peter garden.
Executives admit to supplying the TV star with unlimited Teletubbies and his own private access to David Attenborough.
Half of all programming now features Mr. Lineker's smug face. but only those with wide-screen can see his lugs. Viewers have accused iPlayer of exposing us to too much of Mr. Lineker, just like his shorts throughout the 1980s.
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