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Concern as Southgate captured betting on date of England Euro exit

Another betting scandal has rocked the U.K as footage of, what appears to be, Gareth Southgate placing several bets on the date England will fail in their 2024 Euro bid. The footage has divided opinion with some commentators suggested it's a potential conflict of interest, whereas others are looking forward to Southgate finally winning something tangible. 


When approached for comment, Southgate refuted the allegations "After all the kindness England supporters have shown me these last few weeks, it's very hurtful that people would suspect someone who looks, speaks and has the same account details as me as being me, placing a bet against England."


Whilst Southgate acknowledged the tournament had a shaky start, he never lost respect for the fans "The sheer dedication it must have taken to write that many death threats and abusive Facebook posts in such a short period of time just really shows the fan's passion for the game, it's touching, really."


"Receiving such pointed feedback about logistics of running an national football team of pro-level athletes from people who get out of breath walking to the fridge has been truly invaluable. But even with all that good humoured feedback, I just have a feeling that England's bid will end in failure this coming Sunday."


At press time, Southgate was seen lacing the starting 11's drinking bottles with a mystery substance, muttering "Looks like someone beat me to it." when approaching Harry Kane's.




Campaign for every town to honour Gareth Southgate

Football fans are calling for every town in England to recognise Gareth Southgate’s unique impact on the national game.


Colin Bland, a diehard England fan, is leading the campaign.


‘The inspiration for the campaign came on a shopping trip to Bath,’ says Colin.   ‘By chance, we parked near the railway station in the Southgate car park.   That gave me the idea that every town in England should have a Southgate car park, as a tribute to Gareth.’


Colin believes that car parks embody Gareth’s unique contribution to English football.  They are practical, workmanlike, have a highly hourly rate and have a good chance of penalties.


Some towns are ahead of the game. As well as Bath, there are already Southgate car parks in Chichester, Bradford, Stevenage, Gloucester and Bury St Edmunds.  Colin wants to create a national network to cover the whole of England to create a special memorial to everything that Gareth has brought to the team.  ‘This is a lasting legacy that will live forever. Or at least for quite a long time,’ says Colin.


Colin says the campaign is gaining momentum on FaceSpace, InstaBalls, and other social media sites.  ‘If we win the final, then we expect our campaign to really take off.   Creating a Southgate car park is quick and easy.  Choose the local car park with the least attractive name, and rename it.  Job done!


‘If, god forbid, we lose the final, then a car park would still be a fitting monument. In this case, we suggest renaming a car park near a funeral directors, sewage works, or the Conservative Club. Hopefully the next England manager will then be inspired to avoid a similar fate.'





Southgate - can we just compete on penalties please?



England football manager Gareth Southgate, still dazed from the fact that his team are winning penalty shootouts these days, has proposed a rule change to UEFA and FIFA, governing bodies of the European and World Cups respectively.


Under his proposed system, the two teams would start by taking 10 penalties against each other. Only if this failed to separate them would they then proceed to open play, which remains a weakness for the England team.


Southgate says the team's improved performance was the result of his brilliant revelation that they should probably practice penalties, rather than just hoping they never had to take them. "The results have been amazing," he told reporters. "Even [goalkeeper] Jordan Pickford turns out to be pretty good at them. Certainly better than I ever was.


"Makes me think my next gig after this might be to write a 'how to succeed' self-help book that basically says if you practice something a lot, you get better at it. Obviously I'll need to flesh it out a bit, but ghost writers are pretty good at that sort of thing."


Asked whether the team couldn't practice open play and get better at that too, he said "We do, of course we do. But all I can do is divide the squad in half and have them play each other, which doesn't help. You only learn not to make hopeless passes to no one if you're faced with an opposing team that punishes you for it, not one that just boots the ball hopelessly back the other way."




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