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Oldies dying about new breed of TV ads




'The proliferation of pre-death funeral arrangement ads on satellite TV channels has seen a new type of consumer emerge,' says Samantha Lyons, Managing Director of Fryem and Plantem.


'We're turning what was once a very sensitive and deeply sad subject into a nice little earner for ourselves,' she adds enthusiastically. 'Because now ad breaks are full of cheerful 70s somethings who just can't wait to be disposed of. It's really very heartening that our industry is providing such a destigmatising service. Not to mention us getting access to a nice revenue stream even before our punters might normally drop off the perch. It really is a win-win. Ker-ching! Cashflow delight.'


And Sam, as she prefers to be called, might just be right. Speaking to people at a seniors' bingo night, seventy-two year-old Bert Jeavons told us: 'I love all them funeral ads. They give me such a lift with so many of my peers looking delighted to be contemplating their final demise. And it certainly is a great feeling knowing all my loved ones will soon be able to piss away proceeds from the house sale, not to mention the ten K I'm hiding in my shed for a rainy day when they find it. Oh, don't print that bit.'


And Rene Coombes, Bert's lady friend, herself a sprightly seventy-five commented, 'Oh yes dear, me and Bert adores the ads. As a matter of fact,' she chuckles through a rasping smoker's cough, 'I'm so keen to be on me way, I dropped Dignitas an email only yesterday.'


New Memorial Queue Commemorates Endpoint of Previous Queue




As the jigsaw-loving Queen settles into the eternal creation of her own 206-piece puzzle in the crypt beneath Windsor Chapel, a bereft and aimless public has already started to fill the void left by the greatest mass participation event since the Poet Laureate invited suggestions to rhyme with ‘Jeremy Hunt’.


Around 2 million people have already formed into an orderly crocodile to pay their respects at the official commemorative site of the end of the queue for the Queen’s lying in state, situated handily and reverentially just outside the Southward Park Pavilion Café public toilets. Currently stretching 350 miles, the new Glorious and Unending Queue is expected to continue for many joyously pointless and economy-sapping years.


‘The Queue is dead, long live The Queue,’ intoned Fiona Gribbons, a full time mum from Hexham until being blissfully taken up by ‘shuffle-along rapture’ last week. ‘I’ve locked my kids in with a pile of McDonalds vouchers from the Metro and, more importantly, my open social media feed. They- and potentially some suspiciously DNA-repeat-to-fade grandchildren by then- are going to be so proud of Mummy when I get home around 2037.’


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