Budget Black Hole due to planned Starmer Pyramid Tomb

The 20 billion black hole in the UK budget, suspiciously brought to light only after Labour came to office finally has an explanation this week.

A disgruntled civil servant, possibly a woman, possibly a man, possibly something else entirely, has leaked plans for the greatest British burial since World Cup 94.

Pharaoh Gate or The Starmermid as it is known entails constructing a 485 ft high 760 ft wide Marble Pyramid in London's Whittington Park as a suitable resting place for the public prosecutions director of hearts.

The Starmermid will feature a nationalised workforce with contractual obligations, a bit like HS2 but without the bad bits.

The Tomb will have every modern convenience, a hotline to labour HQ and a ouija board telegraph to request items from lobbyists and Starmer's body will be housed in a miniature version of The Millennium Dome that sits within the tomb itself.

Starmer's remains will be buried with full public honours, dressed in full Arsenal strip, coincidently the only way he was capable of making love.

A government spokesperson defended the news telling a reporter "Its plainly obvious this is a normal government measure, give me your name and address. "

image from pixabay

Man terrified of dying doing something he hates

John Knotley is of a certain age where funerals among his peers are arising more often than weddings. For at least two friends the overriding sentiment has been ‘at least they died doing what they loved’, where one was killed in a rock climbing fall, and another dropped dead on the golf course.

John Is determined to avoid a terminal interruption to his existence while he is engaged in an activity he loathes. 'Although I wouldn’t be around to hear it, how awful for friends and relatives to be saying, ‘Oh what a shame he couldn’t have been in his favourite armchair watching The Repair Shop.’ Instead, I’ve keeled over pulling sodding weeds from that sodding garden.'

John has taken some measures to alleviate the possibility of such a disaster occurring, including installing a defibrillator on the outside of the garden shed. He also has a very long extending lead when out walking the dog. 'My daughter’s. She lives in a flat now, so I’m lumbered with walking the thing. So I do a few yards and leave the mutt to do the rest. Bloody tragedy if I popped my clogs doing that.'

When asked what his ultimate demise might be, John told us, 'Unlikely, but if those tributes could sound something like, ‘At least John died doing what he loved, although it must have been a terrible shock for Taylor Swift.’ '

Picture credit: Wix AI

Choral remembrance at Sea Life Sydney Aquarium