Lotto winner: I'll fill up the car and turn on the heating

Car loving lotto winner Micheal Trippet, 37 from Stoud, yesterday spoke of his joy at receiving £1.8m in prize money.

"It's amazing, it means my dream can come true. Cars are my passion and now I have enough money to fill the tank."

Mr Trippet owns a 2007 Vauxhall Astra but hasn't been able to drive it since the price of fuel was driven up when Russia's lunatic-in-chief went full Dr Strangelove.

"It's just been sat on the drive for weeks. I'll have to put some air in the tires."

Personal finance expert Derek Hawthorne estimates Mr Trippet will be able to afford three full tanks of the 1.6 litre Astra with his winnings, after tax.

But Mr Tripper's is sharing his winnings with his wife, Janice 35, and she also has spending plans.

"I'm going to put the heating on." She said with an infectious giggle. "I can't believe it. We've been wearing these sleeping bags around the house for a month. My mother says there's no point as we'll all be superheated by nuclear armageddon soon enough, but I just think, sod it, I'm going to treat myself and just splurge on British Gas. Or is it Russian gas?"

Mr and Mrs Trippet are already planning their first drive, to the local supermarket. "It'll be nice to get behind the wheel again. And with a bit of luck we'll have a bit of cash left over to treat ourselves to some food from the Spar, if they've got anything on the shelves we can afford."

Image: Pixabay/jackmac34

Stop moaning, you're still saving 0.1p per litre, say petrol companies

Global oil firms have urged consumers to focus on the massive 0.1p that they save on every single litre of petrol they buy at forecourts, rather than the eye wateringly high price of fuel at the pumps..

'For decades, knocking a fractional amount of a penny off the retail price of petrol has been part of our strategy to give something back to hard-pressed customers', said Dave Stetson, a spokesperson for the Petrol Companies Association 'Oil be There for You'. 'It's definitely not a marketing ploy to fool people into thinking the price is a penny less than it actually is. No, no-one would be taken in by that, surely?'.

'Prices at the pumps reflect all sorts of factors and they can go up and down...well ok, they don't actually ever go down, but you know what I mean', continued Stetson.

'With prices likely to hit £1.90 per litre next week, we would really ask petrol customers to consider that actually 189.7p per litre is actually a pretty damn good deal, rather than crying as the pump shows incredulously, it is costing £85 to fill up their small Nissan Micra', continued Stetson.

'Us Big Oil companies are also feeling the squeeze', noted Stetson. 'Just last week, my own company GuzzleOil reported annual profits of £7bn, oops sorry I mean £6.997 billion.'

Image: Pixabay/andreas160578

'Look, petrol is still 0.1p cheaper than next penny up', notes optimist

The petrol crisis isn’t as bad as it could be, as the price per litre is still a tenth of a penny below the next penny up, thanks to the benevolence of profit-making oil companies, noted a man today.

‘People should look on the bright side’, said Pete McBride, looking out of the window of his Ford Focus in a queue on the lead up to his local Esso garage. ‘The price per litre is still only 136.9, no wait, 137.9. People should thank their lucky stars that ‘big oil’ isn’t taking everyone for a ride by rounding the price up to the next penny every time they increase it. Look, 139.9.’

‘They’ve held the line for us, throughout, the big multinationals with their 0.9 thing’, continued McBride. ‘Even now that we’re facing the prospect of only being able to afford an eggcup of unleaded once a fortnight, you have to take your hat off to these oligopolists. They could easily just cream in the profits by nudging the price up another 0.1p but they never do. See, it's 141.9 now. Still looking out for the little guy. Respect to them. ’

‘The only problem is the time it takes people to pay. People are always fumbling around in their car seat wells for some 0.9 coins to pay with - they’re in such short supply’, said McBride. ‘Luckily I’ve perfected my forecourt technique so I manage to dispense to a full pence unit every time, I’ve actually never once ended up with 0.9 to pay’.

Image: Pixabay/stux

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