Cost of fuel creates business opportunity for false numberplate dealers

Businesses supplying false numberplates for cars are springing up around the corner from petrol stations across the nation as the cost of filling a tank has reached the point when it is getting as close to being as expensive as divorcing MacKenzie Bezos.

One such business' adverts say "A hundred quid for a tank of fuel or fifty quid for a set of number plates, I know which option makes more sense!" The website advises they offer the option of selecting a model of vehicle and its colour; and if it can be matched with that owned by a government minister, or someone you hate, for an extra ten pounds, you can have them make that.

When asked if any particular section of the driving community are purchasing false number plates, we were told "It don't take a lot of working out, does it? (sic) Which cars have the biggest tanks and are most likely to be driven by crooks?"

Image: Pixabay/Andreas160578

Lotto winner: I'll fill up the car and turn on the heating

Car loving lotto winner Micheal Trippet, 37 from Stoud, yesterday spoke of his joy at receiving £1.8m in prize money.

"It's amazing, it means my dream can come true. Cars are my passion and now I have enough money to fill the tank."

Mr Trippet owns a 2007 Vauxhall Astra but hasn't been able to drive it since the price of fuel was driven up when Russia's lunatic-in-chief went full Dr Strangelove.

"It's just been sat on the drive for weeks. I'll have to put some air in the tires."

Personal finance expert Derek Hawthorne estimates Mr Trippet will be able to afford three full tanks of the 1.6 litre Astra with his winnings, after tax.

But Mr Tripper's is sharing his winnings with his wife, Janice 35, and she also has spending plans.

"I'm going to put the heating on." She said with an infectious giggle. "I can't believe it. We've been wearing these sleeping bags around the house for a month. My mother says there's no point as we'll all be superheated by nuclear armageddon soon enough, but I just think, sod it, I'm going to treat myself and just splurge on British Gas. Or is it Russian gas?"

Mr and Mrs Trippet are already planning their first drive, to the local supermarket. "It'll be nice to get behind the wheel again. And with a bit of luck we'll have a bit of cash left over to treat ourselves to some food from the Spar, if they've got anything on the shelves we can afford."

Image: Pixabay/jackmac34

Stop moaning, you're still saving 0.1p per litre, say petrol companies

Global oil firms have urged consumers to focus on the massive 0.1p that they save on every single litre of petrol they buy at forecourts, rather than the eye wateringly high price of fuel at the pumps..

'For decades, knocking a fractional amount of a penny off the retail price of petrol has been part of our strategy to give something back to hard-pressed customers', said Dave Stetson, a spokesperson for the Petrol Companies Association 'Oil be There for You'. 'It's definitely not a marketing ploy to fool people into thinking the price is a penny less than it actually is. No, no-one would be taken in by that, surely?'.

'Prices at the pumps reflect all sorts of factors and they can go up and down...well ok, they don't actually ever go down, but you know what I mean', continued Stetson.

'With prices likely to hit £1.90 per litre next week, we would really ask petrol customers to consider that actually 189.7p per litre is actually a pretty damn good deal, rather than crying as the pump shows incredulously, it is costing £85 to fill up their small Nissan Micra', continued Stetson.

'Us Big Oil companies are also feeling the squeeze', noted Stetson. 'Just last week, my own company GuzzleOil reported annual profits of £7bn, oops sorry I mean £6.997 billion.'

Image: Pixabay/andreas160578