Free speech announces price increases

The Ministry of Democratic Inflation has announced an increase in the price of free speech.

‘”Free speech” was never meant to be taken literally’, a spokesman told us. ‘George understood – Ministry of Truth, etc. Excellent training manual, still in use today. Democracy is our most valuable commodity. Name me any valuable commodity which comes cheap. Hmm?’

Free speech is available to all, as long as they are either “the right sort of people” or Party donors. Identifying the right sort of people is as impossibly British as working out the rules to Mornington Crescent. Farmers on tractors? Tick – as long as they’re not actual farmers. Disgusting hands, full of soil. Avoid. Pretend farmers are definitely OK. Quakers? Not really. C of E would be fine, Quakers are a bit . . . off. Hard to say why. People throwing soup at art? Definitely not. Unless they’re Tracey Emin, she moves in mysterious ways.

Some citizens – sorry, subjects – have questioned the validity of allowing some groups to protest freely whilst others are suppressed, but the fact that they have to ask shows that they’re the wrong sort of people.

So there we have it, the nearest clue to whether you can safely protest. If you know you’ll be fine – you’ll be fine. Otherwise – best not risk it until you’ve decoded Mornington Crescent.

Image: terimakasih0 - Pixabay

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Vance rails at lack of banjo playing in Europe

Following his recent speech at the Munich Security Conference, when Vice President JD Vance heavily criticised Europe for stifling free speech, it's come to light that at a much less reported event he also railed at Europe's lack of banjo playing.

Addressing a meeting of the Euro Cowpoke Brethren, he slammed political leaders for silencing banjo playing in Europe, saying, 'What I want to say to our European allies is, I am deeply concerned about European governments and their attack on freedom of banjo playing.'

He went on, 'When I was growing up in my hometown, we would listen to it for hours before going out to hunt tourists. In Europe, government crackdowns on banjo playing, with an insistence on Johann Sebastian Bach instead, is like a Soviet-era mind-virus. Furthermore, deliberate mass immigration into Europe means the banjo is under threat from all kinds of ethnic drumming and chanting, like rap music. Point is, there is a new President in the Whitehouse now and he loves the banjo bigly.'

Elon Musk's accomplishments

Elon Musk has asked all US government employees (except the ones already on gardening leave) to list their accomplishments, or face the sack.

In an unusual act of reciprocity, Elon's office has set out his recent achievements, which are as follows:

  •  I got my dad to lend me million dollars to start a company - how many of you have done that, huh?

  •  I won a chainsaw from Argentina.

  •  I got everyone’s personal data from US government records – useful for the X algorithms

  •  I’m supporting far right parties in Europe, although I can’t remember why

  •  I blew up a number of SpaceX rockets to distract attention away from Jeff Bezos

  •  I’m working to save Twitter, by wrecking TikTok

  •  I will have a successful car company, if I can get tariffs imposed on my Chinese competitors

  •  I’m in good with Donald, which gets me favourable treatment on lots of things

  •  I’m promoting free speech on X, especially mine

Picture credit: Wix AI