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Following a third sports related ceremony in Paris this summer, the big question the world is asking is what will the French do to grand pianos in the Paralympic closing ceremony?


General appreciator of ceremonial activities, Jasmine Wade, said, 'In the Olympic opening ceremony they left a few out in the bucketing rain, and then they set fire to one. In the closing ceremony, they hoisted one up vertically like Wile E Coyote was expecting Roadrunner any moment, while forcing some poor pianist to play it at a cringeworthy angle and unsuitable height. Are ACME Inc. benefiting from this in some way?


'In the opening ceremony for the Paralympics they had lots of sweaty dancers wiping their genitals all over the lids of a good dozen or so, and then some were jumping up and down on them and stomping their feet on the keys. You gotta have some real beef with these fine instruments to engage in that level of disrespect.


'My real concern is what they've got lined up for the Paralympics finale. Some sort of synchronised trebucheting of grand pianos while flamethrowing flutes light them up and trombones fire laser guided exploding maracas at them? Actually, I would watch and enjoy that. But I wouldn't know why.'


The opening ceremony for the Paris Olympics has received worldwide praise for being the most utter rubbish in Olympic history . It has been recognised for fully embracing a combination of the homo-erotic dance sequences of Eurovision and the bizarrely costumed individuals performing weird rituals of Eurotrash in a unique tribute to the worst television programmes ever broadcast.


Barely dressed couples dancing the tango to hardcore drum and bass, unconvincing electronic horses being ridden along a river and a Woy Hodgson lookalike getting as soaked as a Sunak were particular highlights. Talking of Rishi, no-one would have criticised him for leaving this ceremony early.


The French really screwed things up. Television commentators had been preparing numerous puns about the celebrations being ‘In Seine’, only for the French to rename the Parisian river ‘The Sen’ for some reason. And then they waved red white and blue tricolour flags instead of their traditional all white.


On a positive note, a world record has already been broken. Never has ‘What the effing hell is that?’ been simultaneously translated into more languages.



Picture credit: Wix AI




It’s nearly here. There’s hardly any time left to prepare – so act fast!   You can almost taste the excitement and the indifference...


If you love the Olympics, then...


    • Learn a few useful French phrases – merde, paf, ouf, for example

    • Buy a bigger telly. Or maybe buy another telly so you can watch two things at once

    • Impress friends by learning all the different cycling events

    • Add lots of snacks and fizzy drinks to your online shopping order

    • Order doughnuts, so you can make your own high-calorie tribute to the Olympic rings

 • Get loads of booze in

    • Draft those ‘dicky tummy’ emails so you’re ready to tell work you’re sick


If you hate the Olympics, then...


    • Start a swear box for anyone attempting to speak in French

    • Hide the telly. Download lots of audiobooks, or get your LP collection out of the loft

    • Start drafting complaints to the BBC about how much sports presenters are paid

    • Add lots of snacks and fizzy drinks to your online shopping order

• Get loads of booze in

    • Draft those ‘dicky tummy’ emails so you’re ready to tell work you’re sick



Picture credit: Wix AI

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