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Discovery of laughing gas stifled fracking



After fracking company Caudrilla had the rights to cause earthquakes removed by last-man-standing prime minister Rishi Sunak in October, it was suggested the ban was issued on environmental terms. The reality is the specialist hydraulic fracturing company struck a huge field of nitrous oxide in the North-West of England.


Cuadrilla operations manager Steve Hardcastle recalls the moment his team struck "clear gold": 'It was a routine day, nothing much to smile about, when I caught myself smirking at a shovel. Within minutes the whole crew were rolling on the floor finding the mundanity of the lifting tool piss funny. That’s when we knew.'


Government experts are not in stitches about the discovery. They believe the fracking process may have forced enough nitrous oxide through the earth’s crust to render Northern attitudes to personal wealth accumulation, privatisation of the NHS, immigration, and all conservative policies side-splittingly hilarious for generations.


Wearing the custard pie of forthcoming regional humiliation, Home Secretary Suella Braverman has come under fire for not visiting the region. A spokesperson, said: 'It would be unwise to expose the minister to a situation where she may experience laughter; it’s a gateway to compassion.'

Rees-Mogg assures the British public that earthquakes are perfectly safe



Fears that fracking could cause the British Isles to crack and sink without trace have been dismissed by His Majesty's custodian of the 19th century, Jacob Rees-Mogg.


After winding up his steam-powered pocket watch, the Rt Hon member for the Eton tuck shop made a statement to the House of Commons. That statement has since been translated from the dulcet tones of Anglo-Saxon it was uttered in:


‘The nearest drilling hole to Mogg castle is some 530 miles away. The only physical manifestation of the 8.9 magnitude earthquake it caused three years ago was a bone china cup plummeting to the floor of the pantry and scaring the wits out of one of the scullery maids. It can be concluded, therefore, that the scientific evidence proves beyond all doubt that drilling holes under all British homes and pumping huge quantities of pressurised liquid along them at unimaginable velocities is perfectly safe.’


To no cheers whatsoever, even from his own side, Mr Rees-Mogg conceded that he wore an earthquake resistant steel-lined top hat at all times, just in case.


Why earthquakes caused by fracking are a Brexit bonus




People are naturally concerned about earthquakes, possibly due to negative press and movies depicting them as being dangerous and destructive, however the Department of Business has concluded that earthquakes are just poorly understood.


The UK currently doesn't enjoy many earthquakes, but thanks to Brexit and fracking, Blackpool, Merseyside, Cheshire and north Wales are in line for a bonus. First, fracking doesn't increase the likelihood and severity of earthquakes - it guarantees it. Now these previously earthquake deficient localities can experience earthquakes first-hand. Sorry London and anywhere else with properties that have value - this isn't for you.


Earthquakes aren't all doom and gloom - go to any recent earthquake area and soak in the urban renewal it generates - out with the old housing stock, in with the new energy efficient stock, sealing the localities net zero credentials. Plus, think of all the disaster funding that earthquakes attract - billions of dollars that accumulate faster than the Richter scale. Those DEC funding adverts sucking the odd tenner out of you will now be redistributing not only UK donations but worldwide donations back to the UK, and we at the department have arranged for disaster funds to be managed exclusively by Somerset Capital Investment to look after the billions that will inevitably flow offshore to the UK investment industry.


And remember - none of this would be possible pre-Brexit. Those interfering Europeans would have insisted on fracking going to competitive tender to all European fracking companies, not just to chums. Who doesn't want chums fracking the foundations out of their mortgaged-to-the-hilt property, eh?


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