David Cameron desperately looks for nearest toilet, becomes Foreign Secretary

Yesterday, with a distinct sense he was going to burst, David Cameron searched for the nearest toilet in his immediate vicinity while being driven through central London, according to reports. His driver told the press that the former Prime Minister pleaded for him to ‘pull over at his old place’ because ‘he knows the man that lives there’. After rushing into 10 Downing Street, eyewitnesses saw Cameron frantically holding onto the bannister as he ran upstairs towards the toilet. Reports say he tried the door handle but it was occupied, followed by a voice on the other side that was heard to say ‘Almost done in here!’.

To his relief Rishi Sunak quickly unlocked the door and greeted the former Prime Minister, catching him up on the open position for Foreign Secretary, attributing fate to their spontaneous toilet-related encounter. Cameron is said to have agreed to fill the open position in a visceral moment of bladder desperation, but reports are mixed regarding whether he made it to the toilet in time.

Despite the strong evidence, a spokesperson for Cameron denied the headlines: ‘The Former Prime Minister has fantastic control of his bladder and is very pleased with his new position as Foreign Secretary. Any attempt to draw a correlation between the two is speculative and erroneous’.

By Arborio Mulling

Hygiene Toilet Role - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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Great Offices of State downgraded to Shite Offices

By overwhelming popular demand, the original 'Great Offices of State' will now be called Shite Offices of State.

Guarder of Shite (formerly Home Secretary) - Blaming the unemployed, minorities, disabled people and whoever might be likely to beat them in an election, and calling them "Shite".

Thrower of Shite (formerly Foreign Secretary) - Blaming the EU, foreigners, Russia, Rwanda, Greece, Argentina, Germany, France, and probably any nation, foreigner or even people who look or sound a little foreign, including anyone outside of London and the South East, and especially if Scots, Welsh, or Irish, and calling them all "Shite".

Counter of Shite (formerly Chancellor of the Exchequer) - Balancing the debts against the future debts, shite or otherwise, and looking at new and inventive ways of making people believe that shite happens, and they'll have to pay for it, while also telling them that shite can't happen to them, cos they are too rich or posh, and don't shite. Also referring to anyone with less than ten million of assets, as "Shite".

Head Shite Kicker (formerly Prime Minister) - In this role, the shite gets real, and you need your wits about you to avoid shite sticking to you. Of course, you'll have ample opportunity to kick shite into the long grass, and if you try to throw enough shite at the wall, some of it will stick. And of course, calling random people "Shite", cos it's a top job, with no legal penalties. Do what you want. Say what you want.

A former government source gave his take on things, because he wouldn't talk when he was actually in the government. After some gentle persuasion and a few grand, he gave his wisdom:

'I guess the shite has really hit the fan. The government has no fans left and perhaps that's why they have no shites to give.

Image: Alexas_Fotos | Pixabay